THE LITERARY COMMUNITY—J.K. Rowling recently confessed to plagiarizing a large portion of her Harry Potter series from a manuscript she discovered in Ayn Rand’s tomb, titled The Virtue of Voldemort. The nearly 8,000 page draft, unfinished at the time of Rand’s death in 1982, was to be the story of Tom Riddle, aka Lord Voldemort, a supremely talented individualistic wizard and the ultimate hero of Objectivist philosophy.
J.K. Rowling admitted that she raided Rand’s black marble tomb in search of the manuscript, a mythical book which until now was only rumored to exist, much in the same way Lord Voldemort acquired the Elder Wand from the white marble tomb of the deceased Albus Dumbledore.
According to Rowling, the original text portrayed Lord Voldemort as the protagonist, personifying the ideals of Objectivist philosophy, with Harry Potter cast as a communist degenerate who unselfishly took the lives and feelings of others into consideration during his time at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Previous heroes of Objectivism include Howard Roark, a rapist; Henry Rearden, an adulterer; Ragnar Danneskjöld, a pirate who robbed the poor and gave back to the rich; and a variety of other grown human beings who acted like that one kid you knew growing up who would steal the ball and run off when the game didn’t go his way, ruining the fun for everyone.
After vilifying Voldemort, Rowling took other extensive creative liberties with Rand’s version of events, most notably flipping the main theme of the story around, and making a hero of Harry Potter.
A journal of handwritten notes by Rand, found with the newly discovered tome, highly contradict the spirit of Harry Potter we all know and love and dream about today:
Character sketch of Harry Potter, the half-blooded commie hypocrite asshole, by me, the greatest writer ever, Ayn Rand.
-Potter spends the first ten years of his life living, for free, off of pure generosity from the Dursleys, who owed him NOTHING, yet were kind enough to take him in after his parents dared defy the greatest wizard ever to live, Lord Voldemort. He then expects to be treated as an equal to their son, Dudley.
-Potter yearns to become an Auror, and one day work for the Ministry of Magic, an institution hell-bent on stifling innovators like Lord Voldemort, whose only crime is being unique and perfect and hot and sexy and powerful and I would let him do ANYTHING to me.
-Potter jacks a bank. This would be okay, but instead of stealing from lazy gross poor people who could stand to learn the value of not being lazy and gross and poor, he attempts to seize a goblet from the Lestranges, a wealthy family who were smart enough to be born of pure wizarding blood. Hell no you di’int, Harry.
-Potter shares a large amount of his gold to fund the poverty-stricken Weasley twins’ joke shop. Gold he acquired by winning a contest in which his rival was supposedly ‘murdered’ by Voldemort, conveniently leaving Potter as the victor. Gold that shouldn’t be shared, because no one should share anything with anyone because we all have our own crap to deal with and everyone should be selfish dicks and not help other people because only look out for yourself and no one else and I’m Ayn Rand and powerful men can bone anyone they want because they’re men and they’re powerful and that’s hot and what woman wouldn’t want to be boned by a powerful man and poor people are poor because they just can’t be as good as rich people and they never bothered to learn words like ‘opulent’ and ‘ostentatious’ like I did so I’m better than homeless people I really am because I’m Ayn Rand and everyone could be rich if they wanted but they suck too much at being selfish so only selfish people get to be happy.
The notes go on like this for hundreds of pages, Rowling reported.
Rowling omitted nearly all scenes involving He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, including a disturbing rant that Rand called in her notes ‘the greatest love tableau ever painted,’ which Rowling confirmed was a 75-page God-forsaken hellbroth of pent-up lust between Voldemort and Dolores Umbridge in which quote ‘Tom’s snaky, bone-white body stood quivering before her chubbiness, a chubbiness that suggested a life of indulgence, a life she deservedly took from the mouths of the looters and altruistic.’ (Editor’s note—that’s really how Rand wrote)
Truly disgusting stuff.
Lonely disciples of Rand, who have no friends, have criticized Rowling’s modified tale for reducing Voldemort to an incompetent hack who couldn’t even kill a baby, while normal people generally enjoy the story of Harry Potter.
Some suburb in MN—Rapper Steven Anderson decided over the weekend to mention his 5 7/8″ long reproductive organ on his newest track, tentatively titled My Penis is Right In Line With The American Average.
“For the opening line, which can make or break a hip-hop song, I was thinking something along the lines of ‘My five and seven eighths/always satiates.’ It drops right in with the beat, and people will be like ‘What? That’s not very big. But it’s not little either.’ I’m not married to the idea, though,” Anderson said from his Toyota Camry.
In hip-hop tradition, when a membrum virile is mentioned, it is generally for the purpose of revealing great size, as well as giving a mention to the owner’s dexterity and control over the piece of anatomy, a fact not lost on Steven.
“Not everyone is hung like a goddam horse, alright? It’s just how it works,” he said. “I’ve got this weener, like most guys, and it’s just your basic weener, nothing more, nothing less, and I want people to know that.”
The reference to the mid-level junk, which is nothing to write home about, was finally given the go-ahead by Anderson after a late-night writing session in which he wrestled with the idea of whether or not people would like to hear music about his in-no-way-out-of-the-ordinary dong.
When asked if the size of his log might attract ridicule from rival rappers, or the fact that he drives a Camry, rents a middle-unit townhouse, and holds a day job in data entry, Anderson responded: “You know what? I’m just a normal person with no defining qualities, and I don’t think it’s a point of shame. The fact of the matter is, today’s average American penis doesn’t get a lot of clock in hip-hop. But the very fact that it’s not special, that makes it special among the masses, because there are millions of men just like me, and they’ll buy into this. No one makes fun of a guy for being 5’10”. That’s average. Besides, I make up for it in other ways, if you know what I mean.”
When told “No, I don’t know what you mean, please elaborate,” Steven ended the interview.
All the good directors and actors must have been on strike while this film was being made. It’s bad.
NEW ULM, MN—Last week, in the birthing unit of the New Ulm Medical Center, a baby was born with a very hairy ass, upsetting a tried and true cliché that the rectal regions of infants are the smoothest and softest surfaces known to man.
There was so much hair on the baby’s ass, nobody even bothered to check if it was male or female.
“There was so much, I, I, hold on, let me gather myself,” said the delivering doctor. “It looked like the anus of the baby had vomited up Bob Marley’s head. Excuse me,” he blurted out as he presumably ran to a sanctuary free of hirsute-buttholed newborns.
The flocculent anus of the baby is most unsettling to those who frequently lean on the phrase ‘smooth as a baby’s bottom.’ The isolated incident sent shockwaves through unimaginative people young and old alike, who now fear that they will have to wait for another smooth object to become accepted as a universal standard.
“This is one very big black sheep that no one saw coming,” said a professor of linguistics who happened to be hanging out at the hospital. “Which ironically is what that baby’s rear end looks like. A sheep.”
“Now when my husband shaves, what am I supposed to compare his face to? Sure as shit not a baby’s ass, thanks to that freak,” said one woman.
Another bystander was baffled as well. “I know it’s just one baby. But now, if I use ‘smoother than a baby’s butt,’ I can already see some semantic-minded jackass saying ‘not if it was that one baby with the hairy ass.’ This kid has ruined everything. I support abortion now.”
“So now what am I supposed to say? ‘That’s as smooth as a stone that has sat undisturbed in a gentle stream for hundreds of years?’ Fat chance. I say throw the thing off a cliff,” said the nurse.
The firestorm is expected to die down in a matter of weeks, when more and more people will discover that a watched pot always boils, so long as it is placed atop a sufficient heat source.
Latest moneymaking scheme:
Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.
The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’
Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.
The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.
The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.
The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.
Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.
The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.
Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.
The folks over at Upworthy love to bait people. They’re masters of the practice. They are baiting masters. Me, I’ve never fell for the ploy. Still, their talent for baiting cannot be ignored. Upworthy is wildly popular, and it is taking over my Facebook feed. I want a piece of the cheese.
I can bait with the best of ‘em. When you read these headlines I’ve created, your life will change. Even more than after reading an Upworthy article:
—This woman just bought her eighth cat. Think she cray? There’s just one problem: the cats are the only thing keeping her from committing suicide. Now you’re the dick for judging her.
—This teenage dropout is a loser who will never amount to anything. Except that he isn’t a loser, and he will amount to everything.
—A woman grew out her leg hair for her dying husband. As it turns out, she was the one who died. But not because of the reasons you think.
—One man didn’t flush his toilet for 23 years. When you find out why, you will accept gay marriage.
—You’ve probably never shit your pants. Read this. Now look in your pants. They’re full of shit. Find out how.
—A blind owl stole his owner’s wallet and proved that money isn’t everything. It’s just one thing. Find out what.
—A tween changes an entire junior high’s view of body image stereotypes. Click to find out how she lives without lungs, bones, or an endocrine system.
—This man found something in his beard. Something that will make you weep with joy. And horniness.
—One racist educator who lived a life of privilege goes through a series of tragic events and finds herself teaching a classroom full of inner city youth. My jaw dropped when it didn’t involve rap music.
—This video proves that free will exists. Watch it.
—The media tells us to look like Hollywood celebrities. This morbidly obese woman isn’t having it—she shows us why it’s okay to gorge on fast food and not exercise and then get angry when a thin person who works out and eats vegetables is complimented.
—He escaped a life in porn. But he went back, because it was better than normal life. We don’t need to tell you why.
—This pedophile was able to re-imprint his sexual attractions. By working overnights at the zoo. By working overnights alone at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo. By working overnights alone cleaning the monkey cages with the security cameras turned off at the zoo and do we still need to be doing this? Don’t you get it? He’s having sex with the monkeys. Don’t bother reading the article. You will learn NOTHING. You will forget about it before you’ve finished reading it. New headline: Upworthy writer blows his brains out. You won’t believe why (I was saving this one for when I quit).
I’ve been out of the blogosphere for a few weeks, but I’ve been doing stuff:
—I gave three cans of beans to a food shelter. I am now part of the solution.
—I came back.
—I was undercharged at a Subway in Lusk, Wyoming, and didn’t tell them because the service sucked.
—I was overcharged at a liquor store in Mounds View, Minnesota, and I did tell them because the total came to over $8,000 for a six pack.
—I met a woman at an Arby’s in Kearney, Nebraska, who believed South Dakota was an exciting state to visit.
—I went through South Dakota, and wanted to drive off a cliff after passing the 257th sign for Wall Drug. BUT THERE WERE NO CLIFFS.
—Then there were cliffs, in the western part. I decided to boycott Wall Drug instead.
—In the mountains of Colorado, I urinated in a tributary of Clear Creek, the water source of the Coors Brewery.
—I drank a beer infused with bull testicles. This beer: Rocky Mountain Oyster Stout.
—I drank a beer named after Kurt Vonnegut, using a recipe from his maternal grandfather. This beer: Kurt’s Mile High Malt.