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Archive for March, 2010

Friday Fun Facts

I think I’m sick or something, so I’m going to keep this short and stubby. I normally have a very resilient immune system. Whenever a potential intruder comes in, it’s all like “Nah-uh! No you di’int!” Then it snaps its fingers in a big “Z” pattern and tells that virus that it ain’t all that and a bag of potato chips.

Well, I spent no time looking for fun facts, and I just drank a delicious coffee/cough syrup cocktail, so I got nothing. I’m going to hunker down this weekend and finish reading more of those movie scripts, so that should be fun. Today’s post will be rather media intensive. This is a pretty funny video. Dramatic readings of a breakup letter. Typos and all.

And as I sit here in my syrup induced haze I found this song to be hypnotizing. Heard it on the Current last weekend. Phantogram “When I’m Small”.

And here is my associate Mr. Byrd’s take on the “Minnesota Sound”. From his EP “Jupiter”, coming out April 13. Lots of jazzy, sexy sounds that just may impregnate you if you aren’t careful. Also very hypnotizing.

I apologize for the brief post. I know everyone relies on this blog to bring a small amount of sunshine into their otherwise blackened souls, but don’t worry, I shall return Monday.

Half Brothers

Quite a generous gift was plopped down on the YCL Entertainment Desk today. As I was settling in this morning to get my Photoshop on, Chambs dropped a copy of a movie script that someone had left in the Business Lab in front of me.  It had been printed from this website http://www.unproducedmoviescripts.com/ .

There are 5 complete scripts on this website, all written by the same prolific man. The first one I read is called “Half Brothers”. I will attempt to break down the plot here:

-The story revolves around 4 men:

       -Juan, a chef of Hispanic descent, with a passion for the game of golf.

        -Hwan, an Asian American clothing designer, who also happens to enjoy golf.

       -Johnny, the African American owner of a plumbing supply store. He likes to play golf.

        -Jon, a white college professor. Can you guess what his favorite sport is?

Meanwhile, an old man of mixed race named John Wertz struggles for his life in a hospital bed. He flatlines, and it is revealed that he has no next of kin. Or does he? The plot thickens as we follow Juan, Hwan, Johnny, and Jon as they are mysteriously summoned to a beach resort to claim their inheritance from a father they didn’t know existed. Through a series of wacky mishaps, they all have awkward run-ins with each other on their way to the resort, not realizing the common thread that will soon change the very nature of their existence.

Due to the longevity of the script, I had to skim through parts of it, but there were some pretty good highlights.

-A racially charged bar fight, with “The Boys Are Back in Town” by Thin Lizzy playing in the background.

-The lawyer Craig (they must have run out of different versions of John) cheats on his 20 pound overweight love interest with an athletic up and coming law school student. Typical American vanity.

-The half brothers are brought together by 7 montages (from my count, I could have missed a few) of them bonding over arts and crafts, sports, and drinking. Who would have thought that 4 people that hated each other so much at first could become so close?

-The author tries to trick us by having a DNA test come back negative, confirming that these 4 men are not half brothers. An admirable move by the script writer, yet there is one inherent flaw in this tactic. THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE IS HALF BROTHERS.

-It is cleared up when a second test is done. All doubt is removed when Craig confirms “We had the most comprehensive tests in the world done. You men share a father.” The four half brothers proceed to cry and play golf, as the screen fades to black.

Wow.

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Really?

Watch this.

Did you make it past the 20-second mark? I know I didn’t.  Maybe it gets good after that.  But I have a feeling if Harrison/Lennon were resurrected from the dead they could not save this song. This song makes me simultaneously angry, depressed, and oddly enough, what I imagine a prostitute feels like after a busy night. If you like this, I’m assuming you are a 14 year old living in the suburbs, your mother was addicted to PCP, or perhaps you were kicked in the head by by a rabid mule during the crucial developmental years of your young life. This “band” also has other “songs” (big time “finger quotes”) titled “Get Crunk” and “Skeet Skeet”. A 10 second preview of each song revealed that these songs sound exactly what you think they would sound like. GET CRUNK!!! WAAAAA!!!! GET CRUNK!!!! WAAAAAA!!!! These people walk among us. What if one of these guys showed up to take your daughter to prom? This is when it pays to have a large firearm of some sort displayed prominently in your living room. What are these guys going to think when they look back on this in 40 years? Probably not a whole lot. I would assume people like this don’t have a very prolonged lifespan. One of them will probably stick a fork in a socket at some point, I can see a future in prison for sexual assualt for another, and the rest of them will probably be getting so crunk and skeet skeeting everywhere that eventually they will find themselves 40 pounds overweight lying on a bloody pile of cardboard behind White Castle, trying to recollect when the skeeting ended and cold hard reality began.

-I loathe this song and everything it stands for.

Here is a great blong for everyone. If you like the blues that is. This song actually took talent, emotion, and experience to write. And the seasoned musical nerd will recognize that samples from it have been used by Big Daddy Kane, DMX, and Atmosphere. All around good tune. Albert King “I’ll Play the Blues for You”.

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The Sunday Supplement

Quick update for the hardcore bloupies. Here is what is going down this week.

-I write a scathing review of Brokencyde’s “Freaxxx” music video. I am very open to musical expression, but seriously, this thing is beyond terrible.

-Tina the librarian has had to temporarily suspend the checking out of CDs due to inventory issues. Thus I will be digging into my personal archives, in a new segment called “Sean Digs Into His Personal Archives”.

-I’m going to see if I can get an interview with the weird guy in the motorcart that I see puttering around the grounds of the apartment building.  He was observed screaming “WHY WON’T YOU TURN OFF?!!?” at a digital camera a few days ago, nearly ran me over today and proceeded to almost shatter a glass door on his way out. I like this guy’s style.

-Next weekend I find out the juicy details of my assigned jury duty. Hopefully I get something good because this blog could use a healthy injection of new material. Plus I’ve really been wanting to take some self absorbed dirt bag down a notch.  Nobody parks in a two hour parking spot for two hours and two minutes on my watch. That rhymed.

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Friday Fun Facts Please Wash Your Hands Edition

We are back for another Friday Fun Facts Edition, this time with sanitary issues at hand.  Going out in public can be a risk, you could get hit by a bus, mugged, or…………….unknowingly touch someone’s penis? Whaaa? I did some hard hitting journalism to scrounge up these facts about how dirty, disgusting, and just plain inconsiderate humans are.

-The average American will consume about 12 pubic hairs in their fast food meals per year. One way to avoid this is by not eating fast food. Or everyone could just get rid of their pubes.

-Through contact with door knobs, counter tops, and other daily objects your hands will come in contact with about 15 unique penises per day. I am using a public computer right now, and am seriously debating on whether or not I should keep typing. This thing is probably man dick central.

-I read one that said you will shake hands with about 6 people a year who had recently masturbated and not washed their hands when they were done. However, I am not sure how they actually gather this information. Did some guy just walk around for a year, shaking people’s hands, and then asking “That’s a real firm handshake you got there Bob, did you just burp the baby?” And then six people actually said yes?

-After swimming in a public pool for an hour, you will have ingested about 1/10 of a liter of other people’s (or your own) urine.

-House flies excrete waste about every 4.5 minutes. Nothing more needs to be said about that.

Well I’m going to go wash my entire body and possibly throw up a little.  Here’s a good blong of the day. It’s the Black Keys and their hip hop project, Blakroc. This song is pretty awesome.

Wika-Wika-Wednesday!

We’re gonna come out swinging today, then come back Friday to help you ease into the weekend like an old man into a hot bath.  Almost three weeks. Amazing.  We are in the process of transforming from the proverbial “ugly duckling” into a full fledged “Hot Swan.”  Since this whole thing started, people have been asking, “Sean, how do you do it, dawwg?” or “damn kid, s#$%#$t is f%^&*ing #$%#$% sick!” A lot of dubious language gets used around here. I myself don’t partake. So I thought I’d walk through a typical day here at YCL. Slimminy Cricket is yapping away to my left, Dan “Four-four” Kelly is on the way with a camera to document the whole thing, so here is the daily breakdown.

5:30AM-Arise. Eat a five egg omelet and freshly squeezed goat milk.

-6AM-Run 6 miles through the neighborhood. Steal newspaper from the German family on 12th Ave. Kick their trashcan over on the way out of the driveway.

7AM-Hot shower. Lounge on fine animal pelts while beautiful women feed me grapes and fan me with palm leaves. Those aren’t cheap this time of year by the way.

8AM-4PM-Take frequent catnaps, occasionally getting up to have a snack.

5PM-Yesterday I actually remembered that I invented coffee energy drinks a few years before they actually came out.It was called Enerchino, for energy and cappuccino, comprised of a “Rip It” energy drink and a cappuccino. It was delicious and I should be a millionaire right now. My friend “The Beard” can back me up on this.

Oh yeah, I’m supposed to talk about that phone. Well here is a mind blowing portrayal of the conceptual Nokia Morph. Supposedly things like this should be out around 2019. They must have been spending a lot of time on this, because the animation quality is from like 1993.

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The Monday Mailbag

As The Blog’s sphere of influence spreads, and the fan base becomes more in love with it every day, it is only natural that the mail department at YCL would be getting flooded with mail from adoring fans from all over the globe. Or country. We have confirmed that J-Char reads it, and he lives all the way in Washington. Thats pretty close to the ocean. Speaking of oceans, here is something Tsunami-related that I found. The earthquake in Chile is no laughing matter, but am I the only one that finds this a bit odd. This article snippet is copy-pasted from Yahoo news:

-“Japan’s Meteorological Agency said the first tsunami to reach Japan after the magnitude 8.8 quake off Chile was recorded in the Ogasawara islands early Sunday afternoon. It was just 10 centimeters high. There were no reports of damage.”

10 centimeters? Now I’m not very familiar with oceanic issues, but isn’t that smaller than a regular wave? We’ll have someone from the YCL Science Desk look into it. There are bigger ripples in my toilet when I make my morning onesie. I have a very aggressive flow. Oh yeah, we were talking about the mail bag full of love. The Love Sack. Let me reach my muscly arm in there and fish one out.

Oh, this is awkward, it seems as though it is empty. Well yesterday was Sunday so there wasn’t any mail. We’ll check back on that tomorrow.

The Weekly Watering

-Aunt Lenore’s birthday party was a success. And my Mom wanted me to clarify the comments about her that were made on Day 2 (We Landed on the Moon!) of the blog. It was purely a joking matter. She has done a very good job. I mean, look at me. You don’t run a blog that is this successful without strong parental backing.

-Once school is out for a little while, I am going to dive into some Fyodor Dostoevsky. The Mad Russian. Hopefully it is better than this really big lump of crap I’m reading right now about some British guy who is traveling through America breaking “dumb laws,” like riding a bike in a pool in California. And so far he is somehow failing at it. I probably won’t even finish reading this.

-“Fear and Loathing in America” by Hunter S. Thompson is also being read at the moment. Not to be confused with Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

-That’s about all I’ve got.

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