Home > Fun Facts > Friday Fun Facts – Betty White

Friday Fun Facts – Betty White

Man, it’s just been a Betty White lovefest lately. And I’m all like, whats the big deal? I could act like an adorable little old lady if I wanted to. Well, I looked into her flossy past and uncovered some disturbing episodes of alcohol abuse, lawsuits, and inappropriate voidation of the bowels.

Betty White was born in Oak Park, Illinois. More like Joke Park! Total facial. The spawn of a nefarious haberdasher and a two-bit prostitute, White’s adolescence was less than reputable. As a young woman, she would spend hours upon hours in the back alley, clamping jumper cables to stray cats while taking brawny pulls of her home-brewed tipple. She vowed that she would one day travel the country and swear at small children. As the years passed and her drinking spiraled furthur out of control, future co star Rue McClanahan was employed to pick the dried vomit from her hair and keep her away from the microwave, where she had a tendency to cook live hamsters, and then dip them in delicious McDonald’s Sweet and Sour sauce for her own fowl amusement. Following the expiration of Golden Girls, things only soured for White. Aimlessly drifting the streets of New York, blasted on elephant tranquilizers and Lysol, she would abduct tourists and rip their toenails off while forcing them to watch the entire box set of Golden Girls. More disgusted I could not be. Police later found her crumpled in a heap behind a grimy dumpster, next to a decapitated pigeon. She looked up, feathers plastered to the bloody remnants of pigeon viscera on her face, and whispered “hellllp……………me.

Following a smattering of drunk driving arrests, a slew of public urination tickets, and a dash of indecent exposure, it appears as though White has gotten her act together, having recently appeared on a television show. Me so happy, me want to cry.

Next week on The Blog – I do some invesitigatory journalism. Are people really getting fatter, or is the Earth getting smaller? Absolutely riveting.

Here’s an appropriate Blong for all of you that were depressed by the rain the past few days. Quite frankly, it didn’t affect me at all. I thrive on the mental anguish of others. Anyways, you may recognize it from Missy Elliot’s “Da Rain.”  No? You know, “Beep beep, who got tha keys to tha jeep? vroooooooom.”  That’s always been a favorite lyric of mine.  But here is some Ann Peebles with “I Can’t Stand the Rain.”

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