Home > Rant > The New Twins Stadium is Ruining My Life

The New Twins Stadium is Ruining My Life

Outdoor baseball! Wahooooooooooooo!!! The days of sitting inside that big old inflatable protuberance have come and gone, and now the Twins have invaded the Warehouse District. It’s like having 40,000 inbred cows all trying to get to the same delicious feedbag at once. Only these cows kind of know how to drive, and they have  become sentient enough to talk, but they use their aptitude at vocalization to utter unfathomable mutterings over some guy playing with a wooden stick.  As horrible as crossing Washington Avenue was before, now you have to deal with rubes who obviously have no clue where they are, and who do not hesitate to whip a U-turn in the middle of a busy street. Every gameday, the area descends into complete and utter anarchy–the blood-curdling shrieks of women and children, people screaming at you from their car for directions, and, I’m not sure, but I think I saw a guy on fire one time.  Boozed up vagrants will ask you how to get to the stadium, when you can literally see it 200 yards behind them, to which I reply, “Go three blocks east, lead a life of blasphemy and hubris, and GO BACK TO HELL WHERE YOU CAME FROM.” And not to mention, the people who have been paying monthly rent to use the parking lot right next to that God-forsaken toilet, can’t even park there during games! And they raised the monthly rate! What if your landlord told you that your rent was going up, and several nights a week, you had to vacate your apartment while a chlamydia-ridden prostitute distributes ZJ’s for 3 hours? What’s a ZJ? I don’t know, and I don’t care to find out. I heard it in Beerfest.

Well, I’m off to go to other stuff. Have a good day. Here’s a song I keep hearing on Radio K.

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