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The Abandoned Soldier

Yesterday, as I was preparing to record Freemont, Nebraska’s #1 rapper, (The FDA is officially on his ass for having rhymes that are too raw. He’s going to give someone salmonella!) I came across a disturbing image. You see, I was preparing to perform a routine urination, when I noticed something peeking up from the tepid waters of the porcelain depositry.  “Oh, looks like someone forgot to flush!” I thought to myself. Understandable I guess. Yet upon further investigation, one inherent blemish emerged in this otherwise open-and-shut case. The floater was alone in the toilet. Not even a trace of toilet paper was present. Now, this could have arisen from many unique scenarios. I will present my findings with the following numbered list.

1. Perhaps we have a member of the student body who has a summer job as one of those people who re-enacts the Revolutionary War, and is so totally immersed in the character, that he rejects any technological advances that were birthed after the 1700’s. Perplexed by the advent of modern-day plumbing, he snatched his musket and dashed off into the night. But then again I guess he wouldn’t be using a toilet if that were the case.

2. An event so urgent, so drenched in immediacy, so incredibly momentous occured that the father of the floater had no choice but to vacate the premises so hastily that even an extra second spent doing the rest of us a favor was an afterthought.

3. As the case may be, inter-dimensional travel really is possible, and this stinky gift was sent here by our friends on Snearth.

4. Maybe the person actually did just forget to flush. And wipe. And probably wash his hands. He probably doesn’t really shower all that much either.

5. The non-flush may presumably be one of those confusing new fads, like skinny jeans. In fact, maybe the intricate balance of heat, tightness, and leftover fecal matter in the trousers of these less-than-impeccable primpers has resulted in the formation of some kind of precious stone. The entire alchemy of it fills me with wonder and hope.

Anyways, today’s Blong (Blog Song) of the day addresses a rare topic in rap music–personal hygiene. It’s Del The Funky Homosapien (also spelled Del Tha Funkee Homosapien), with “If You Must.”

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