Back in the Saddle

What the heck? No Blog last week?! Well, dearest reader, if you have ever thumbed through a copy of “The 48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene, by now it should be quite obvious to you that I was merely obeying Law #16 – Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor. Do you have more respect for me? Do you now wish to honor me in a beautiful candle-lit celebration? The answer to both of these questions, is, in fact, yes, you do. Since you were no doubt worried as to the abstract nature of my whereabouts, I will now outline in a day-by-day recollection of the happenings and doings of last week.

Saturday (Lanesboro, MN) – I floated in a river for a good portion of the day. I now have a slighty disturbing nickel-sized open sore on my ankle, which I blame on an astute case of River Rot. Now, you may be asking yourself if there even is such a thing as River Rot, but the orange-ish fluid that has been leaking out of said sore is very much a real part of my daily life.

Sunday (Winthrop, MN) – I helped my Grandmother back her car out of my parent’s driveway.

Monday (Bloomington and St. Paul, MN) – Travelled to the largest mall in America. Man is that place overrated. “They” say its about eight times bigger than the average mall, which in common mathematical conversion would constitute that the people there are eight times stupider than average, eight times more inbred than average, and eight times more likely to be wearing a size Small shirt when it’s glaringly obvious to everyone that an XL would be better suited for such an undertaking. Oh yeah then I went to a backyard barbecue in St. Paul.

Tuesday (Burnsville and Lakeville, MN) – After a less-than-satisfying workout, I produced the schema for the renovation of my personal fitness program. I also made some jean shorts out of an old pair of pants I had lying around. What an amazing time to be alive when you can witness the transformation of Long Pants into Short Pants, all within a five minute window.

Wednesday (Lake City, MN) – Concluded the family reunion (did I not mention that is why I was doing most of this stuff? I had a family reunion, that’s why) at some golf course.

Thursday-Sunday (Burnsville and Minneapolis, MN) – Not much really happened the rest of the week.  I did some stuff I guess, ate a little pizza one of the days.

Here’s the Blong. It’s some of that rap music that is stripping America of its core values by talking about guns and alcohol. But it’s a pretty cool song. It’s like about cowboys or something.