The Association of American Physicians and Surgeons
The following piece is for a creative writing class, with the assignment being, quote, “Riff on these monkeys.” The monkeys being the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons. I went ahead and created some southern redneck named Jed to come in and talk to you about the group. He’s terribly ignorant. And yes, I realize the irony that by using stereotypes of rednecks I have learned from television, it does in fact highlight my own ignorance. That’s what makes this so fun! And if you don’t figure it out from the spelling, you are supposed to read this using a thick, red-necky accent.
(Banjo music wafting from a distant stoop)
Howdy! Jed here! At least that’s wut muh wife-cuzzin-auntie calls me! Say, have you fellers heard of this? Our prey-suh-dent, Bayrock Hew-sain O-bamm-uh, has been accused of using nay-row-ling…new-roll…lang-guhz-tic…(Editor’s note – he is trying to say neuro-linguistic programming) nee-ro…..dang-nabbit! Wut I’m a-tryin’ to tells ya is that O-bamm-uh is brain-warshin’ us! Well not me, bee-cuzz they says that its only wurks on the yung and hawly edu-cay-tud. But that gits me really wurried about muh bruther-nephew-uncle, cuz he was all-ways the brainiest nut in the turd. He’s by-gum all-most finushed read-un Jeff Foworthy’s book! But any-haw, as a re-prey-zentative of the Ay-Ay-Pay-Ess (AAPS), I gots more stuff to git yur thanker clankin’. For in-stunce – you know that aborshun causes boo-bay lumps? (We believe that means breast cancer – ed.) That’s why when muh grahmaw-niece-2nd cuzzin done git prey-nunt when she were the ripe ol’ age of 12, I dun two thangs – 1) vowed to find out who thuh bas-tuhd wuz, and give him thuh spankun’ of a lifetime (it turned out it wuz muh cuzzin-daddy, so I let ’em off thuh hook) and 2) made her prom-us to keep that bay-bay. Cuz you know wut? I could use anuther uncle-cuzzin, cuz muh uh-thur one just don’t seem right some days. And if I wanna see anuther abortion scar on a lay-day, well I’ll just mosey on down to the local new-dee bar with muh bruh-ther-nephew. And hows about this? You know that in too-thousand-and five, immigrunts caused a leprosy outbreak? It was on the news! Now I don’t know about you, but I’s been hear-un a whole lot of aye-span-yol bein’ habla’d in muh barrio (We think this means, “Spanish being spoken in my neighborhood – ed.), if yuh catch muh drift. I don’t care if they’s got laygitumut jobs, and took sum stoo-pid test, this hur’s A-may-ree-kuh! We speak anglish! Wut’s that you sayin’? This here’s a meltin’ pot? Well I gots a question for you, mister smarty-pants! When you cookin’ squirrel over a garbage fire, you just gunna let it sit in there forever? I tried it, ain’t no good! We gots ta get this meltin’ pot off the stove bee-fore it burns! Ary-thang that gunna melt dad-gum shoulda melted by now! And now muh hard-earned muffler-farmin’ income is goin’ to help people that cain’t afford new-fangled doctorin’ techniques? Well paint me green and call me a bullfrog! That wood actually help muh family a great deal, but may-bee O-bamm-uh’s nacho-lingus-program (Again, neuro-linguistic programming – ed.) is workin’ on me after all. And you know wut O-bamm-uh stands fur, right? One Bigg Ass Mistake, A-mur-ah-ka! Pay-lun in 2012!!!! Now, lookee here, if she wuz ree-lay-tud to me, I’d done kick mah boots off an’ (Alright! We’re gonna cut Jed off right there – ed.)
The Blong for today is “The Ballad of Jed Clampett.”