Home > Rant > Hey Sibley County, Please Don’t Arrest Me!

Hey Sibley County, Please Don’t Arrest Me!

On May 29, 2010, I was cited for speeding on Highway 19 in Sibley County. I was scheduled to appear in court or pay the $125 fine by July 29. Much to my chagrin, and possibly the chagrin of the Sibley County District Court, and maybe even the chagrin of the ticketing officer, I failed to do either. A whole lot of chagrinnin’ goin’ on. Since a warrant for my arrest will be issued in approximately eight days, turning me into a fugitive from the law, I mailed the following letter this morning.

Greetings, esteemed Constabulary!
I am writing in regards to your letter of 8/3/10. I realize that I did miss my court date of 7/29/10 and failed to pay the nominal fine that was issued me due to the ill-fated events of 5/29/10. This correspondence is to verify that neither negligence nor naked temerity were the cause of my absence. Never one to play the scofflaw, I do intend to pay the fine in full. It just may take a little while. You see, the money, I just don’t have it. In order to show my intention to settle my balance with the County of Sibley, I have attached a check for 10 dollars, American. Hopefully that will put me in good enough standing with the reverential District Court long enough for me to accrue the funds needed for the remaining $115. Or perhaps we could work out some sort of community service option? I would gladly spend an afternoon on the ravishing boulevards of Gaylord, cleaning up the noisy riff-raff of cigarette butts, candy wrappers, and other miscellanea that result from the apathy of the town’s citizenry. That option would also allow me to make a much-overdue visit to the local nursing home to play Wii with my grandmother, who ironically worked for many years at the very courthouse that I have now become entangled in this fiscal snafu with. I apologize for driving with such unbridled alacrity through your County, and hope we can work something out, as I plan on utilizing your highway infrastructure for many years to come.
Sincerely,

(My signature)

<End of Letter>

Blong. The Beatles. Hey Sibley County, we can work it out!

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  1. August 18, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Thesaurus much? I love it. I’m trying to imagine their reactions upon reading the letter. Hopefully they will at least be amused before they bring the long hand of the law down upon your malefactoring self.

    • August 18, 2010 at 4:08 pm

      That’s what I am hoping. Either they’ll get a nice chuckle out of it, or I’ll end up in even more trouble.

  2. Josh Mereness
    September 11, 2010 at 9:19 am

    I really enjoy your crazy intellectual rants. You should start a blognostic church. I’d gladly give a tithe

    • September 11, 2010 at 11:50 am

      You know, I just might look into that. PLC can be the house band.

  1. December 30, 2010 at 8:28 am

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