The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Being Homeless

As a person who one day has the potential to be homeless, I’ve given a lot of thought to the notion. It’s not as simple as one might think. No matter what the scenario, I have found, is that the first week is the most crucial in the life of the homeless person. Why is that? Well let’s break it down.

In your first few days as a person that now employs sewer drains and dumpsters for toilets, you will presumably be the best-smelling and most clean-cut as you are going to be during any given point of your homelessness during this period.  While you may be thinking “Crap. I’m homeless,” do not fret, my friend. There are two very important decisions that must be made here – 1) are you in this homeless thing for the long haul, or 2) do you plan to claw your way back to prominence?

-If you answered Yes to Option #1: You are going to be homeless for a while. Possibly until you’re dead. That’s the foul odor of reality here. Well, the best advice here would be for you to jump in the nearest mudhole, roll around for a while, and absorb any and all stank that you can. If you are wearing clean clothes, and still have short, clean hair, no one will believe that you’re homeless, thus attenuating what I like to call the “pity factor.” While growing out your hair and filthy beard may take some time, you can at least dirty yourself up to try to play the part. I guess being drunk would help as well. That brings up another point. In the weeks leading up to your homelessness, if you do in fact have the luxury of knowing that you will soon be homeless, stop shaving. Also, try to learn the basics of an instrument that can be obtained while you are homeless. Guitar or some sort of woodwind would probably be the most popular choices, because you can probably steal one from a pawn shop pretty easily, or even construct one out of dumpster nuggets. Don’t know how to build a guitar? Well, now that you are a stinky derelict, you literally have nothing but time to teach yourself how. And if you get caught stealing? Well, that is actually the best thing that could happen to you. Getting arrested and going to jail would be a good solution to your recent displacement from residential living, if you don’t mind being the girlfriend of a shaved-headed brute that bought you for a pack of Newports and an extra helping of dessert. And if you don’t get caught, you now have a source of feeble income. Post up with your instrument of choice outside a sporting event, or highly patronized coffee shop, because a lot of those java-heads are just the kind of faux-hippy you want to encounter. By depositing their leftover change into your hat (oh yeah you should have found some sort of hat by now), they will go about the rest of the day feeling that they have bettered society, and probably even tell their friends, giving them a warm, supple feeling of prosperity deep within the core of their lugubrious soul.

-Yes to option #2: You are homeless, but don’t want to be. Pretty much do the opposite of all the advice from Option #1. In the first few days, you’ll probably not stink all that bad, and might have the oppurtunity to apply for some jobs. Of course, they’re going to ask for some sort of mailing address, phone number, or email. Providing a mailing address may lend itself to a smidge of treachery, which can be easily remedied by giving them a PO Box #. You’re going to want to hang out around said PO Box during delivery hours, and simply ask the mailperson, “Hey, you got anything for #(whatever number you wrote down).” Now you will have to be sly with this, because you will have to be there literally every day, because once the mailman/woman actually tries to stuff your falsified mail into your PO Box, he or she will come to the realization that you did in fact make up your address. And this is all gambling on the fact that they are going to mail you something, when in all reality they’ll probably email you or call you. Email is easy, go to the public library. Now phone, that may be a problem, because during the events that led to your catastrophic descent into homelessness, your phone may or may not have been shut off/violently destroyed by you, or someone that you owe a large sum of money to. Here’s a quick idea, just off the top of my head: you go in there, tell them you’re trying to “go green” or some crap like that. Or better yet, tell them that you donated your phone to a homeless shelter! Oh, the sweet irony! Bullet dodged. If that doesn’t work, then well, I guess you better start reading up on Option #1.

Blong. The Thermals. Very poppy.