I Am Writing a Feature-Length Book

According to the heading up there, I am in fact in the process of writing a book. A book full of words, possibly some helpful illustrations, and a plethora of knowledge that will undoubtedly cut a swath of inspiration betwixt your lethargic psyche and the unbearable ennui of everyday living. “So who is this guy, and what the crap is he qualified to write a book about?”, you might be asking yourself. Well, I took notice that this character Steven R. Covey has sold like 15 MILLION copies of something called “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.” (I would like to note that, according to the book, personal hygiene is not one of the habits of highly effective people, nor is drinking water or eating. The lack of stinky, slovenly dressed, malnourished successful people in my community leads me to believe that Covey is full of horse poo.) And then there’s this other clown, Dale Carnegie, who produced the quite unbearable “How to Win Friends and Influence People” back in the dirty 30’s. Although I wouldn’t actually give him credit for writing it, since Carnegie basically quotes other people for the entirety of the book. What is this, Bartlett’s? And since reading Carnegie’s book, I haven’t even made one new friend! Which brings us to the purpose of my book: it’s a self-help book, on how to write a self-help book. If Covey and Carnegie can do it, why can’t I? How delectable the irony that the wandering, laborious means with which they delivered their ideas inspired me to actually want to do the same, in an even more wandering, laborious manner! The student becomes the teacher. Possible working titles for the book include, but are not limited to:

–Help Yourself: A Self-Help Guide on How to Help Others, All While Being Helpful to Yourself and Helping Others Help Themselves

–The Three Fundamental Layers of the Five Pillars of Synergy: A Core Examination of the Seven Tiers of Leadership, With a Brief Explanation of the Nine Pedastals of the Six Sigma Lifestyle

–Maximize Your Earning Potential: A Repository Guide on How to Think So Far Outside of the Box, You Won’t Even Be Able to See the Box Anymore, Thus Forgetting There Was a Box in the First Place, Thus Enabling You to Think Even More Outside of the Box That You Aren’t Even Thinking About Anymore

–H.E.L.P.P.: Helping Everyone Learn. And Oh Yeah, there’s a Pizza Party after you Help Everyone Learn!

–Win-Win: How to Beat Your Opponent Into Submission With Raw Will and a Cast Iron Skillet, And Then Use The Skillet To Cook a Delicious Breakfast for Both of You, All While Explaining to Your Opponent Why Beating Him And Then Feeding Him Eggs Helped Both of You Win

–Benchmarks of Success: How to Max out Your 401K, Raise Healthy Children, and Love Your Spouse, All While Maintaining an Intricate Web of Lies and a Mistress on the Side

Well, that’s gonna do it for me, folks. Tomorrow I will be featuring an excerpt from the first chapter of the book.

Blong. Chemical Brothers.