Fancy Plans, With Pants to Match

I apologize for the lack of updates. I have been hard at work penning my self-help book on how to write a self-help book. There have been high-level talks with one of the co-founders of Hospice Media about publishing, marketing, and distribution of the book. As I conduct comprehensive research and try to reach the lofty goal of the minimum 84 page requirement to be accepted by Lulu.com, I’m afraid there just won’t be as much time to be gettin’ my Blog on. I will be posting periodic updates on the book, with excerpts, quotes, and profoundly witty insights into the life of a person who is writing a book. Speaking of, here is another part of the book about dealing with adversity while writing a book.

Dealing With Roadblocks and Naysayers
So you’ve got a start on your book. You’ve made personal sacrifices, you’ve poured your heart and soul into the darn thing. Heck, you’re even telling people that you’re writing a book. No backing out now! You sit down to make some crucial editorial decisions, and then the disturbing reality hits you: it sucks. BAD. Do not fret. Doubt is a natural fragrance that emanates from the the nebulous vapor of human existence. There’s a popular saying that goes something like this: “You can’t polish a turd.” This is also known as Negative Nancy-ness. Do not take this saying to heart. It was coined by a bedriveled pessimist, and you would be wise to ignore such scrimshillery. I will prove the purveyor of that quote wrong right now, with one of my patented “Fourth Generational Knowledge Attainment Events (Applicable to the Second Dimension of First-Time Authors),” or FGKAE(ASDFTA). Go grab a clean rag, a bottle of Windex, and a turd. A scented candle wouldn’t hurt either. Go ahead, I’ll wait. Grab a seat at your favorite table. Now scrub that turd. Don’t be afraid to really dig in there and give it hell. Be rough with it. Talk dirty to it. Vigorously scour it every which way, ignoring not one nook, cranny, scritchel, or cranooky. Alright, stop! Now let’s evaluate the results. Presumably you now have a filthy rag, stinky fingers, and fecal matter smeared all over your table. Didn’t work, did it? See, you actually can’t polish a turd. But you listened to my advice, because you read it in a book. This FGKAE has just demonstrated the amount of raw power at your disposal that you now have as an author – people will do almost anything that they read in a self-help book. We must remember not to abuse the illustrious influentiality bestowed upon us as self-help authors, as we are here to help people help themselves, not help people to not help themselves. This brings us to our first “Confluistic Digression,” where the knowledge we have thus far accrued will “conflu” upon itself into the “Four Noble Rivulets of Cognition.”

(Then there’s a little short story I wrote, and blah, blah, blah, management parables and all that stuff.)

Blong. Crystal Castles. Reckless.