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Archive for December, 2010

The Top Ten Richest, Meatiest Blogs of the Year

Did anyone else notice how the phrase “Rich and Meaty” dominated popular culture this year? Everywhere I looked, it was “Rich and Meaty” this, and “Rich and Meaty” that. Now that I think about it, 2010 was in fact a very Rich and Meaty year, in more ways than one. It was a veritable cornucopia of robust accomplishments. In fact, the very Blog that you are at this moment reading was conceived, nursed to maturity in the uterus of my brain, and birthed all within a whirlwind 24 hour period back in February. Ah yes, those were the days. And since I didn’t feel like coming up with any new material for the last post of the year, I’m going to do something that I have learned from television. I really hate it when you get all settled in to watch a show, and then, in the opening moments, the characters start reminiscing about something, and then I’m like, “No! Not a clip show!” Then they proceed to show snippets of past episodes while passing it off as “new.” What a lazy way to placate the audience. Having said that, here are my Top Ten favorite moments from this Blog in 2010.

10. February 22. From the early run-and-gun days. A little essay on what the credit and check card business is doing to homeless people and panhandlers who rely on cash.

9. March 5. A Friday Fun Facts post concerning sanitary issues.

8. March 15. The first of many influential recipes that I have shared with the readers.

7. March 26. The Blog had to get serious for a moment as I delivered a eulogy for a turkey that I ran over.

6. March 29. The readership for the fledgling Blog went nationwide.

5. April 12. The first of many times that I discussed shopping at Aldi.

4.  May 3 and May 5. After going nationwide, I tried to bolster the worldwide audience by hosting Australia Week. It didn’t work.

3. June 1.  The recipe for the delectable Grilled Sandwich.

2. July 20.  I analyzed the ups and downs of walking.

1. August 18.  A letter that I wrote to the Sibley County District Court after I failed to pay a speeding ticket.

That’s it for me, 2010. Our paths shan’t cross again. I’m on to an even richer and meatier 2011.

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Top Ten Things That, Uh, Well I Guess This is Just A List of Ten Unrelated Things

Question – What do Britney Spears’ house and the dumpster behind a marshmallow factory have in common?

Answer – They’re both full of white trash!

If you know where I stole that joke from, I would like to be your friend.

Well, here it is, another Top Ten list. But in reality, it’s really just ten random things that I’m throwin’ out there to fill some Blog space.

10. I’ve been thinking of abandoning the YoungCleanLegit moniker. It’s probably time to rip off somebody that’s more popular, like Lady Gaga. What are everyone’s thoughts on changing the name of this Blog to Sir Goo Goo? Or maybe even Mr. Goo Goo. They both have a ring to them.

9. I have in front of me a never-published Blog post where I interview myself. Intellectually stimulating? Of course. A good read for anyone but me? Not so much.

8. I recently had a dream where I was in an old Victorian house with some friends, and there were Mushroom-People with octopus-like tentacles chasing after everyone. And their tentacles had the ability to fractally (if that is a word) split into more tentacles. Everyone in the house was caught and destroyed but me. I escaped and hid on the roof. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of that one.

7. The next night I dreamt that I was sitting at a table eating macaroni and cheese. That was literally the entire dream. But then the next day I actually ate macaroni and cheese, so I guess my dreams are finally starting to come true.

6. What? There was an American president named Chester Arthur? How have I never heard of him?

5. Have pagers been out of style long enough for it to be funny for me to wear one in an ironic kind of way?

4. Here’s something interesting – Not once, but twice this year, I have bought a group (or is it a “cluster?” or “bunch?”) of bananas from Aldi, only to have them never ripen. Is that weird? The first time it happened, about two months ago, I had them for three weeks, and they stayed green! I even tried eating one, and it tasted just like it looked – an unripened banana. I then threw them away due to fear. Currently, I have another batch that is doing the same thing, going on two and a half weeks, and still green. Is that supposed to happen? Something isn’t right here.

3. Speaking of Aldi, I’m pretty sure the deodorant I bought there is causing some kind of irritation in my armpits. Oh sure, I could sue them, but I don’t have the technology to prove it, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have any money, so what’s the point?

2. Here’s another classic joke – Q. What’s the sexiest farm animal?

A. Brown chicken brown cow!

1. Well, it’s about time for me to be hittin’ the ol’ dusty trail. Tomorrow will probably be the last post of the year.

Blong. Australian Jazz! Just give it listen.

Top Ten Ways I Am Going To Be Better Than Facebook

I’ve decided that I would like to be rich. I recently discovered that this Zuckerberg fellow seems to have billions of dollars, all because of this Facebook thing. So I’m gunna gets me sum of dat. Fatten my Hammy Stack if you know what I mean. (A Hammy is a ten dollar bill.) To live my dream of becoming a rich person, I am in the process of creating a website that will be more popular than Facebook, thus propelling me into the stratosphere of billionaire-ism. Here are the Top Ten ways I am going to make my site better than Facebook.

It's all about the Hamiltons baby.

10. I obviously can’t call it Facebook. That one is taken. So what would be better than Facebook? Well, how about instead of just a face, why not the entire body? You simply can’t judge a person just based on their face, you wanna get a glimpse of the body to see what kind of action they have goin’ on. And instead of an entire book, why not condense it into a pamphlet of some sort? Facebook, meet your new nemesis: BodyPamphlet.com. Nervous, Zuckerberg?

9. Allow nudity. My policy has always been, I’m comfortable with my body, and if I want to show it to people, I should be able to. No one is forcing you to look at it.

8. Instead of being constricted to writing on someone’s “wall,” in the Body Pamphlet world you would get an entire  “building.” You would be able to enter into other people’s “buildings” so that you can “use their bathroom,” or “try on their clothes,” or “help yourself to a snack from their refrigerator.” And you could probably leave a Post-It note or something to let them know you were there.

7. I would probably combine some elements of Twitter into there as well. For instance, instead of “tweeting,” you would “cackle.”  Every time you “cackled,” a loud “ca-CAW, ca-CAW!” would blast through the speakers of everyone logged into the site at that time. It would be like you’re out in the forest, yet you would still be inside the comfort of your “building!”

6. Instead of having “friends,” I would probably just call it “People You Have Met Before.” Nobody actually has 500 friends.

5. People who constantly “cackle” about their emotions or other buzz-killing updates like “So stressed. Why does the world hate me? FML!” will be penalized by having a fun little animated guy known as “The World’s Tiniest Violinist” saunter across their screen, serenading them with the depressing music that they deserve.

4. That’s actually all I really have.

3. Maybe I’ll think of something more later.

2.

1.

Blong. Who’s ready for some Polish Jazz from the 70’s?!

Top Ten Things I Would Name My Kid

Man, I’m hungry. Or maybe it’s just my biological clock ticking. Or is the the changing of the seasons? The moon’s gravitational pull on the succulent juices of my body? Whatever it is, something deep within my man-uterus is quivering. It is quite possible that it’s just the sheer excitement that I am now able to present the next Top Ten list for your enjoyment. Here’s stuff that I would name my kid. Assuming it came out human, and male.

1. Fester

2. Biff – My immediate family will recognize these first two. For some reason I used to love Uncle Fester from the Addams Family and Biff from Back to the Future. Why? I don’t know.

3. Ebeneezer – You just don’t meet anyone named Ebeneezer anymore.

4. Sigmund – The beatings he will take as a child will toughen him up for the cruel world ahead.

5. Scooby

6. Persephone – Oh sure, she’s the Queen of the Underworld, but it’s high time someone came along and gave the name a more positive, masculine connotation. Also, it seems like a good name for a swimmer. It’s just such a flowing, watery name. Just think, I could chain young Persephone to the family pool and we could bond as I drink beer and he swims lap after lap after lap after lap.

7. LaSean, or DeSean

8. Boy – ‘Cause, ya know, he’s a boy.

9. Tha Mic Controlla – Assuming he turns out to be a famous rapper. But, if the hand of Sweet Irony has its say, he’d probably turn out to be a polka musician or something.

10. Some sort of symbol that I can’t really represent here. Like Prince used to have. I guess he would be called “The fetus formerly in some chick’s uterus” or something like that.

Blong. Minnesota’s own Dillinger Four. “File Under Adult Urban Contemporary.”

“Word of the Day” Top Ten

Moving right along with the year-end Top Ten Eruption, here are my Top Ten favorite Dictionary.com Word of the Day entries.

10. Defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb – To throw out of a window.

9. Interlard \in-tuhr-LARD\, transitive verb – To insert between; to mix or mingle; especially, to introduce something foreign or irrelevant into; as, “to interlard a conversation with oaths or allusions.”

8. Sesquipedalianism \ses-kwi-PEED-l-iz-uhm\, adjective – 1) Given to using long words. 2) (Of a word) containing many syllables.

7. Festoon \fe-STOON\, verb – 1) To adorn with hanging chains or strands of any material. 2) Dentistry. To reproduce natural gum patterns around the teeth or a denture.

6. Busticate \BUHS-ti-keyt\, verb – To break into pieces.

5. Cheechako \chee-CHAH-koh\, noun – A tenderfoot; greenhorn; newcomer.

4. Spatchcock \SPACH-kok\, verb – To insert or interpolate, esp. in a forced or incongruous manner.                          noun:
A fowl that has been dressed and split open for grilling.
verb:
To prepare and roast (a fowl) in this manner.

3. Absquatulate \ab-skwoch-uh-leyt\, verb – To flee; abscond.

2. Incunabulum \in-kyoo-NAB-yuh-luhm\, noun – 1) The earliest stages or first traces of anything. 2) Extant copies of books produced in the earliest stages (before 1501) of printing from movable type.

1. Fletcherize \FLECH-uh-rahyz\, verb – To chew (food) slowly and thoroughly.

Blong. Broken Social Scene – Forced to Love.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

December 14, 2010 2 comments

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car – I forget what kind it was – and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.” -Jack Handey

Here are my favorite “Deep Thoughts” by Jack Handey. If you don’t know who that is, well, you are a sad, sorry shell of a human. Here’s his website: http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/

“A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. “Hear that?” you say. “That’s dynamite, baby.”

“Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?”

“As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.”

“Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.”

“Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.”

“I hope that after I die, people will say of me: “That guy sure owed me a lot of money.”

“I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. “You don’t have to tell me,” I said. “I’m off the team, aren’t I?” “Well,” said Coach, “you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times.” It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I felt the handcuffs go on.”

“I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I’d have all my money back.”

“I’d like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.”

“I’m not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I’m doing while they’re aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands.”

“If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.”

“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.”

“If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.”

“If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.”

“If you’re having a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”

“It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, “You can’t throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.” Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them. Man, wise up.”

“It’s easy to sit there and say you’d like to have more money. And I guess that’s what I like about it. It’s easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.”

“Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.”

“Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I’m gone, but you know what I’ve left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it’s head with a note that says “You.” After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.”

“Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than to be selfish and worry about my liver.”

“The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.”

“The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lay down on some seaweed and roll around until he’s completely draped in it. Then he’ll standup and go, “Hey, I’m Vine Man.”

“There are many stages to a man’s life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then “skinned.” I’m not sure what the fourth stage is.”

“To me, clowns aren’t funny. In fact, they’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.”

“To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?”, you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”

“We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing. But we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.”

“When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we’d all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn’t until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.”

“When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, “No speaka English.”

“Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me? Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.”

“Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy’s arm behind his back. NOW who’s asking the questions?”

Top Ten Lists of 2010

Well, it’s December. A time for family, friends, and solitary contemplation on the year that was 2010. By the way, is it pronounced twenty-ten, or two thousand ten? I spent the first ten months of the year trying to figure that out. I tried both ways, and neither one seemed right. Then, I would find myself curled up in a ball late at night, sweating, and longing for the salad days of the 90’s. So much easier to say. Think about it — say to yourself “Back in ’99, man, those were the days.” That has a ring to it. Now say to yourself “Back in ’10, man, I was the cat’s pajamas.” Back in ten? It sounds ridiculous. But back to the point, I finally settled on the pronunciation twenty-ten. What swayed my decision? I will answer that question right now. Being that any given year in the 1900’s was thus pronounced nineteen-(insert numerical year), I began thinking about what life would have been like had everyone been saying, “I graduated high school in one thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-seven.” That’s crazy talk. So the natural extension would be to go from nineteen to twenty. Case closed. Only took me ten months to figure out. Anyways, the main point of this post was to introduce a series of year-end top ten lists, because it seems like that’s the popular thing to do in December. But since I generally live anywhere from 5-20 years behind modern times, these lists will probably have nothing at all to do with 2010 (Twenty Ten). Tomorrow we’re gonna go ahead and look at Jack Handey, of “Deep Thoughts” fame.

Blong. I have a habit of listening to anything with an island rhythm when the weather gets cold. The Expendables. Paper Chains.

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