The Top Ten Richest, Meatiest Blogs of the Year

Did anyone else notice how the phrase “Rich and Meaty” dominated popular culture this year? Everywhere I looked, it was “Rich and Meaty” this, and “Rich and Meaty” that. Now that I think about it, 2010 was in fact a very Rich and Meaty year, in more ways than one. It was a veritable cornucopia of robust accomplishments. In fact, the very Blog that you are at this moment reading was conceived, nursed to maturity in the uterus of my brain, and birthed all within a whirlwind 24 hour period back in February. Ah yes, those were the days. And since I didn’t feel like coming up with any new material for the last post of the year, I’m going to do something that I have learned from television. I really hate it when you get all settled in to watch a show, and then, in the opening moments, the characters start reminiscing about something, and then I’m like, “No! Not a clip show!” Then they proceed to show snippets of past episodes while passing it off as “new.” What a lazy way to placate the audience. Having said that, here are my Top Ten favorite moments from this Blog in 2010.

10. February 22. From the early run-and-gun days. A little essay on what the credit and check card business is doing to homeless people and panhandlers who rely on cash.

9. March 5. A Friday Fun Facts post concerning sanitary issues.

8. March 15. The first of many influential recipes that I have shared with the readers.

7. March 26. The Blog had to get serious for a moment as I delivered a eulogy for a turkey that I ran over.

6. March 29. The readership for the fledgling Blog went nationwide.

5. April 12. The first of many times that I discussed shopping at Aldi.

4.  May 3 and May 5. After going nationwide, I tried to bolster the worldwide audience by hosting Australia Week. It didn’t work.

3. June 1.  The recipe for the delectable Grilled Sandwich.

2. July 20.  I analyzed the ups and downs of walking.

1. August 18.  A letter that I wrote to the Sibley County District Court after I failed to pay a speeding ticket.

That’s it for me, 2010. Our paths shan’t cross again. I’m on to an even richer and meatier 2011.

Top Ten Things That, Uh, Well I Guess This is Just A List of Ten Unrelated Things

Question – What do Britney Spears’ house and the dumpster behind a marshmallow factory have in common?

Answer – They’re both full of white trash!

If you know where I stole that joke from, I would like to be your friend.

Well, here it is, another Top Ten list. But in reality, it’s really just ten random things that I’m throwin’ out there to fill some Blog space.

10. I’ve been thinking of abandoning the YoungCleanLegit moniker. It’s probably time to rip off somebody that’s more popular, like Lady Gaga. What are everyone’s thoughts on changing the name of this Blog to Sir Goo Goo? Or maybe even Mr. Goo Goo. They both have a ring to them.

9. I have in front of me a never-published Blog post where I interview myself. Intellectually stimulating? Of course. A good read for anyone but me? Not so much.

8. I recently had a dream where I was in an old Victorian house with some friends, and there were Mushroom-People with octopus-like tentacles chasing after everyone. And their tentacles had the ability to fractally (if that is a word) split into more tentacles. Everyone in the house was caught and destroyed but me. I escaped and hid on the roof. I’m still trying to figure out the meaning of that one.

7. The next night I dreamt that I was sitting at a table eating macaroni and cheese. That was literally the entire dream. But then the next day I actually ate macaroni and cheese, so I guess my dreams are finally starting to come true.

6. What? There was an American president named Chester Arthur? How have I never heard of him?

5. Have pagers been out of style long enough for it to be funny for me to wear one in an ironic kind of way?

4. Here’s something interesting – Not once, but twice this year, I have bought a group (or is it a “cluster?” or “bunch?”) of bananas from Aldi, only to have them never ripen. Is that weird? The first time it happened, about two months ago, I had them for three weeks, and they stayed green! I even tried eating one, and it tasted just like it looked – an unripened banana. I then threw them away due to fear. Currently, I have another batch that is doing the same thing, going on two and a half weeks, and still green. Is that supposed to happen? Something isn’t right here.

3. Speaking of Aldi, I’m pretty sure the deodorant I bought there is causing some kind of irritation in my armpits. Oh sure, I could sue them, but I don’t have the technology to prove it, and I’m pretty sure they don’t have any money, so what’s the point?

2. Here’s another classic joke – Q. What’s the sexiest farm animal?

A. Brown chicken brown cow!

1. Well, it’s about time for me to be hittin’ the ol’ dusty trail. Tomorrow will probably be the last post of the year.

Blong. Australian Jazz! Just give it listen.

Top Ten Ways I Am Going To Be Better Than Facebook

I’ve decided that I would like to be rich. I recently discovered that this Zuckerberg fellow seems to have billions of dollars, all because of this Facebook thing. So I’m gunna gets me sum of dat. Fatten my Hammy Stack if you know what I mean. (A Hammy is a ten dollar bill.) To live my dream of becoming a rich person, I am in the process of creating a website that will be more popular than Facebook, thus propelling me into the stratosphere of billionaire-ism. Here are the Top Ten ways I am going to make my site better than Facebook.

It's all about the Hamiltons baby.

10. I obviously can’t call it Facebook. That one is taken. So what would be better than Facebook? Well, how about instead of just a face, why not the entire body? You simply can’t judge a person just based on their face, you wanna get a glimpse of the body to see what kind of action they have goin’ on. And instead of an entire book, why not condense it into a pamphlet of some sort? Facebook, meet your new nemesis: BodyPamphlet.com. Nervous, Zuckerberg?

9. Allow nudity. My policy has always been, I’m comfortable with my body, and if I want to show it to people, I should be able to. No one is forcing you to look at it.

8. Instead of being constricted to writing on someone’s “wall,” in the Body Pamphlet world you would get an entire  “building.” You would be able to enter into other people’s “buildings” so that you can “use their bathroom,” or “try on their clothes,” or “help yourself to a snack from their refrigerator.” And you could probably leave a Post-It note or something to let them know you were there.

7. I would probably combine some elements of Twitter into there as well. For instance, instead of “tweeting,” you would “cackle.”  Every time you “cackled,” a loud “ca-CAW, ca-CAW!” would blast through the speakers of everyone logged into the site at that time. It would be like you’re out in the forest, yet you would still be inside the comfort of your “building!”

6. Instead of having “friends,” I would probably just call it “People You Have Met Before.” Nobody actually has 500 friends.

5. People who constantly “cackle” about their emotions or other buzz-killing updates like “So stressed. Why does the world hate me? FML!” will be penalized by having a fun little animated guy known as “The World’s Tiniest Violinist” saunter across their screen, serenading them with the depressing music that they deserve.

4. That’s actually all I really have.

3. Maybe I’ll think of something more later.

2.

1.

Blong. Who’s ready for some Polish Jazz from the 70’s?!

Top Ten Things I Would Name My Kid

Man, I’m hungry. Or maybe it’s just my biological clock ticking. Or is the the changing of the seasons? The moon’s gravitational pull on the succulent juices of my body? Whatever it is, something deep within my man-uterus is quivering. It is quite possible that it’s just the sheer excitement that I am now able to present the next Top Ten list for your enjoyment. Here’s stuff that I would name my kid. Assuming it came out human, and male.

1. Fester

2. Biff – My immediate family will recognize these first two. For some reason I used to love Uncle Fester from the Addams Family and Biff from Back to the Future. Why? I don’t know.

3. Ebeneezer – You just don’t meet anyone named Ebeneezer anymore.

4. Sigmund – The beatings he will take as a child will toughen him up for the cruel world ahead.

5. Scooby

6. Persephone – Oh sure, she’s the Queen of the Underworld, but it’s high time someone came along and gave the name a more positive, masculine connotation. Also, it seems like a good name for a swimmer. It’s just such a flowing, watery name. Just think, I could chain young Persephone to the family pool and we could bond as I drink beer and he swims lap after lap after lap after lap.

7. LaSean, or DeSean

8. Boy – ‘Cause, ya know, he’s a boy.

9. Tha Mic Controlla – Assuming he turns out to be a famous rapper. But, if the hand of Sweet Irony has its say, he’d probably turn out to be a polka musician or something.

10. Some sort of symbol that I can’t really represent here. Like Prince used to have. I guess he would be called “The fetus formerly in some chick’s uterus” or something like that.

Blong. Minnesota’s own Dillinger Four. “File Under Adult Urban Contemporary.”

“Word of the Day” Top Ten

Moving right along with the year-end Top Ten Eruption, here are my Top Ten favorite Dictionary.com Word of the Day entries.

10. Defenestrate \dee-FEN-uh-strayt\, transitive verb – To throw out of a window.

9. Interlard \in-tuhr-LARD\, transitive verb – To insert between; to mix or mingle; especially, to introduce something foreign or irrelevant into; as, “to interlard a conversation with oaths or allusions.”

8. Sesquipedalianism \ses-kwi-PEED-l-iz-uhm\, adjective – 1) Given to using long words. 2) (Of a word) containing many syllables.

7. Festoon \fe-STOON\, verb – 1) To adorn with hanging chains or strands of any material. 2) Dentistry. To reproduce natural gum patterns around the teeth or a denture.

6. Busticate \BUHS-ti-keyt\, verb – To break into pieces.

5. Cheechako \chee-CHAH-koh\, noun – A tenderfoot; greenhorn; newcomer.

4. Spatchcock \SPACH-kok\, verb – To insert or interpolate, esp. in a forced or incongruous manner.                          noun:
A fowl that has been dressed and split open for grilling.
verb:
To prepare and roast (a fowl) in this manner.

3. Absquatulate \ab-skwoch-uh-leyt\, verb – To flee; abscond.

2. Incunabulum \in-kyoo-NAB-yuh-luhm\, noun – 1) The earliest stages or first traces of anything. 2) Extant copies of books produced in the earliest stages (before 1501) of printing from movable type.

1. Fletcherize \FLECH-uh-rahyz\, verb – To chew (food) slowly and thoroughly.

Blong. Broken Social Scene – Forced to Love.

Top Ten Lists of 2010

Well, it’s December. A time for family, friends, and solitary contemplation on the year that was 2010. By the way, is it pronounced twenty-ten, or two thousand ten? I spent the first ten months of the year trying to figure that out. I tried both ways, and neither one seemed right. Then, I would find myself curled up in a ball late at night, sweating, and longing for the salad days of the 90’s. So much easier to say. Think about it — say to yourself “Back in ’99, man, those were the days.” That has a ring to it. Now say to yourself “Back in ’10, man, I was the cat’s pajamas.” Back in ten? It sounds ridiculous. But back to the point, I finally settled on the pronunciation twenty-ten. What swayed my decision? I will answer that question right now. Being that any given year in the 1900’s was thus pronounced nineteen-(insert numerical year), I began thinking about what life would have been like had everyone been saying, “I graduated high school in one thousand, nine-hundred and ninety-seven.” That’s crazy talk. So the natural extension would be to go from nineteen to twenty. Case closed. Only took me ten months to figure out. Anyways, the main point of this post was to introduce a series of year-end top ten lists, because it seems like that’s the popular thing to do in December. But since I generally live anywhere from 5-20 years behind modern times, these lists will probably have nothing at all to do with 2010 (Twenty Ten). Tomorrow we’re gonna go ahead and look at Jack Handey, of “Deep Thoughts” fame.

Blong. I have a habit of listening to anything with an island rhythm when the weather gets cold. The Expendables. Paper Chains.

Cocktail Weens and Beans, With a Transition Into Some Sort of Chili

For the nine people who read yesterday’s post, here is the exciting conclusion to what it is that I actually ate, and this one comes with a bonus! In a first for the Blog, I will share with you one recipe, and then through some fancy culinary footwork, we will utilize the elements of the first recipe, thus giving birth to a second baby of comestible delight! Hazaa! Exclamation point!

Here is the recipe for Weens and Beans. Gather the following items:

-Two packages of cocktail weenies

-One can of chili beans

Do you see why it’s called Weens and Beans? I’ll tell you. I have taken the word “weenies” and simply shortened it to “weens,” so that it could correctly rhyme with the word “beans.” As an alternative, you could go with “Weenies and Beanies.” I would suggest doing that, if you want to look like an absolute turd. Let’s continue. Here are the final items that you will need:

-A 12 ounce bottle of chili sauce

-One cup of grape jelly

-A song in your heart, and a poem in your pocket

Just toss that all into the crockpot, and let it cook on low for a few hours. Then it will taste really good.

After serving it to my family at Thanksgiving, and finishing the remaining weens and beans at home, I couldn’t help but notice that there was still a fair amount of sauce left in the pot. Having been raised to not let something like this go to waste, my mind immediately began to scheme, plot, and theorize. I then went to Aldi and purchased the following items:

-Chicken

-Onions

-Another can of chili beans

I added that all into the pot, and in a moment of innovation, decided that maybe a healthy squirt of mustard, a dash of steak sauce, and some garlic powder that I already had on hand could really elevate this thing to heights unimagined, even to me. And then, the memory of a Food Channel program I had seen some time ago crept into my head. I reached into the cupboard, and heeding the advice of television, added a spoonful of peanut butter! I gotta say, it really tightened up the mix. I let all that stew for a few hours, and then I ate it. And it was really, really, really, really good. Really.

Blong. Another lesser-known, yet very relaxing tune.