Home > Top Ten > Top Ten Things I Would Name My Kid

Top Ten Things I Would Name My Kid

Man, I’m hungry. Or maybe it’s just my biological clock ticking. Or is the the changing of the seasons? The moon’s gravitational pull on the succulent juices of my body? Whatever it is, something deep within my man-uterus is quivering. It is quite possible that it’s just the sheer excitement that I am now able to present the next Top Ten list for your enjoyment. Here’s stuff that I would name my kid. Assuming it came out human, and male.

1. Fester

2. Biff – My immediate family will recognize these first two. For some reason I used to love Uncle Fester from the Addams Family and Biff from Back to the Future. Why? I don’t know.

3. Ebeneezer – You just don’t meet anyone named Ebeneezer anymore.

4. Sigmund – The beatings he will take as a child will toughen him up for the cruel world ahead.

5. Scooby

6. Persephone – Oh sure, she’s the Queen of the Underworld, but it’s high time someone came along and gave the name a more positive, masculine connotation. Also, it seems like a good name for a swimmer. It’s just such a flowing, watery name. Just think, I could chain young Persephone to the family pool and we could bond as I drink beer and he swims lap after lap after lap after lap.

7. LaSean, or DeSean

8. Boy – ‘Cause, ya know, he’s a boy.

9. Tha Mic Controlla – Assuming he turns out to be a famous rapper. But, if the hand of Sweet Irony has its say, he’d probably turn out to be a polka musician or something.

10. Some sort of symbol that I can’t really represent here. Like Prince used to have. I guess he would be called “The fetus formerly in some chick’s uterus” or something like that.

Blong. Minnesota’s own Dillinger Four. “File Under Adult Urban Contemporary.”

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