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Friday Fun Facts – How to Fake Your Own Death

Did you know that wearing a “thong and stubbies” is Australian for flip-flops and shorts? I learn so much everyday.

Many readers probably don’t realize this, but running a Blog like this isn’t all ass-slaps and high-fives. The more you Blog, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more the seedy underbelly of this world wide web of lies that we call the internet rears its bulbous moonface. Sometimes I get the feeling that there are a few people out there who wouldn’t mind having me out of the picture. I like being alive. I really do. It’s one of my favorite things about life. Sure, I could try to reason with any detractors, but what better way to deter their misguided efforts than to make them think that the job has already been done, either by someone else, or by accident, or the immutable hand of nature?

I began thinking of how to fake my own death, and here are the ways I was thinking of doing it:

-Make it appear as though I was poisoned by a rabid fan of this Blog. But alas, this option poses two problems – 1) This is actually assuming that there is a rabid fan of this Blog, and 2) I would need to come up with a body that looks exactly like me and has the same DNA in order for everything to look legit.

-Boat explosion. Sounds good, but again, I would need a corpse of some sort. A charred, bloated, waterlogged corpse. And also, the only boat I really have access to is my Dad’s canoe, and if that were to suddenly explode while I was out there puttering around on the water, well, that would look highly suspicious.

Those, and a multitude of other options all seemed to require a body of some sort. So my natural thought extension was this – what if I didn’t need to come up with a body?

-Kidnapping. This takes care of the body double dilema. But, assuming that you are not me, people out there will probably become worried and start searching for you. This will not help your plight of Machiavellian treachery.

-Fall into a vat of liquid hot steel, like in Terminator 2. But you’d probably have to have a friend or family member along so that someone actually sees it happen. And I’m not really sure how you would make it look like you fell in but didn’t. I also don’t think I know anyone that would willingly go to a steel mill with me. Whenever I see one on TV or in a movie it literally looks like hell on earth.

-Eaten by a bear/coyote/fire ants. This would take care of the delicious meat of my body, but I think there would still be bones left, right? And again, I wouldn’t need an entire body, but I’d have to come up with some bones or “Sean bits” that I just simply can’t sacrifice at this time.

Man, this is getting hard. I guess it’s impossible, right? Oh wait, I forgot about a little something called alkaline hydrolysis! I’m not quite sure how it works, but I believe it involves dissolving a body in some sort of lye concoction. I’ll just tell everyone that I got a hamster, it died, and I’m going to try this controversial new cremation technique on it in my bathtub. A few days pass, no one has heard from me, and I’m miles away, lurking in the shadows and wearing one of these:

My apartment gets searched, I’ve left a shoe or something next to the bathtub to make it look like I fell in, and BOOYAH! Death faked. Of course I haven’t thought about how I would get money or where I would live, because I wouldn’t be able to use my bank account. Crap. Well, there’s still some kinks in the system, but I’m kind of smart, so I’ll think of something.

Blong (Blog Song). Dave Brubeck Quartet. If you are ever having a bad day and feel like you want to fake your death, just listen to this. So so smoooth.

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