Archive for January 24, 2011

The Blog: Bustin’ Chops in 2011

That’s right baby. Unlike 2010, when it was all about biting hookers and shooting stray dogs, this Blog is totally all about bustin’ chops in 2011. No more layin’ back and takin’ the high, hard one from society. If you mess with this Blog in 2011, please believe you have an earful headed your way. An earful of foot, that is. Because I’m going to kick you in the head. No more of this “Hey Sean, can you help me move this weekend?” Uh, how ’bout this pal, HiiiiiiiiiiiiYAAAAAAAAAAAAA! You just got B’d in the C (busted in the chop, obviously). Nobody likes helping people move! No way buddy! This here is 2011! Consider your chops……… BUSTED! Or as our French counterparts would say, “Le chopé es la büested.” The Language of Love can’t even stop me now! In 2011, I shall henceforth be known as “The Resident Expert on Busted Chops.” If you wake up in the morning, and you find some chops strewn all askew about your living room floor, why don’t you go ahead and give me a call. I’ll come over, for a nominal consultation fee of course, and be like “MmmHmm. I’ve seen it a million times. Your chops have definitely been busted. Ain’t nothin’ I can do ’bout it.” Then I’m out. I’ve got things to do, more important chops to bust. Not my problem if you alligned yourself with a situation where you got your chops busted. Your living room carpet isn’t my main priority, not this year! No way! I’ve got “real jobs” to apply for! In 2010, it was nothing but rejection, but this is a new year! Next time I hear “Your resume looked good, but we’re looking for someone with more experience,” well, that’s when the real chop busting begins! Are they prepared for me to show up, topless, wielding my various chop busting implements, and say, “So it’s experience you want, eh? Well, have you ever experienced me giving you a noogie for three hours?” Then I’ll probably kick-punch a desk or something. Authority displayed. Chops. Busted. ‘Cause you see, all these desk-jockeys want to hear is the old company line, but what if I switch it up, and toss some real life in their face? Stuff like, “Hey, I can bring a new, youthful exuberance to this company! See, it’s all here is this Excel spreadsheet, detailing dates, times, and quantities of chops busted.” and “I’ll have you know, I could bust your chops faster than two shakes of a lamb’s tail! Do you even know what that means?! Oh, you do? I actually don’t. Could we put aside our differences for a moment so you could tell me?” Stuff like that. Then, in a tornado of flesh and gumption, I shall distribute a chop-busting that they will not soon forget.

Then, I’m just assuming they’ll shoot me down again. No big deal. This is what everyone told me would happen. I bust a mean chop, and that’s all I need to know. If someone decides to pass on my chop-bustiness in 2011, good, ’cause that saves me precious chop-busting time for all these other cocky chops. You’re not the only one with chops to bust pal! You ain’t special! I’ve busted far less appealing chops for far, far less! You’re no different! People might as well just toss their chops to me right now and let me get to bustin’, ‘cuz we both know I’m gonna get ’em eventually. Nothin’ but chop bustery in 2011.

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