I Am Going To Start Wearing Skinny Jeans

The other day I sat down and thought “Man, my penis has waaaay too much freedom in my pants.” I’m sure you have all had the same realizations. So it got me wondering how I could provide my penis with the structure and strict framework that it has been lacking as of late. It’s just been wandering aimlessly – no direction, no guidelines – and it’s high time that it, and every other penis like it, gain some semblance of pattern in its life. This lead me to the concept of skinny jeans.

At first, I never understood the appeal of skinny jeans. All these people, walking around like Frankenstein’s monster, unable to bend their knees, excess skin blasting upwards out of their pants; I just couldn’t understand, I didn’t see the light. Yet upon further review, the positives begin to reveal themselves – I haven’t gone shopping for a pair yet, but I’m assuming that skinny jeans are a lot cheaper right? Less material = cheaper for the manufacturer to produce = the savings pass on to the consumer. It’s simple economics. Also, with the extremely constricted environment, there can’t be much room for any sort of undergarment in there, so I now won’t have to buy underwear anymore. Another expense averted. I’ll also probably make a ton of new friends, because I will finally be accepted by other skinny jean patrons. I can infiltrate their inner circles, and ask them stuff like, “Is my d**k supposed to hurt this bad?” A whole new world is opening to me!

And just think of the workout I’ll get when I’m trying to put them on in the morning. All that pulling, stuffing, screaming and grunting sounds like a good calorie burn to me. And the screaming and grunting won’t be the only sweet sounds exuding from the situation. Do you hear that? No? Oh, it’s because that was the sound of me not trekking down to Jenny Craig! I’ll be saving so much money here, I’ll probably be able to purchase another pair of skinny jeans! And the new pair that I purchase will only add to the savings. It’s like a perpetual money-saving vortex! Hurrrahhh! And now that my penis and scrotum will be in such close proximity to my body, I can’t even begin to imagine what this will do for my fecundity. It will be like the Fertile Crescent, only in my pants. With the newfound warmth, sperm production should presumably be at an all time high, which will in turn increase my vigor and potency, leading me to spawn a new generation of frugal, skinny jean-wearing rapscallions, who will in turn perpetuate the species even further. It’s simple evolutionary wisdom – an advantageous trait emerges, multiplies, and becomes “normal.” Thus the emergence of skinny jeans. They are nature at work.