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Life Lessons

When times get hard, there are two options:

1. You can feel sorry for yourself, and try to bring everyone on Facebook down to your level with depressing status updates, or

2. You can have an attitude that says “Hey world, here I am, here’s my chest. Go ahead, take a nice, steamy dump on it. Doesn’t bother me a lick. I can always shower later.”

I believe that option #2 works better. I like to tell the world, “Here are my hopes and dreams, what do you think? Hey, what are you doing? My dreams are not toilet paper. Are you really gonna wipe your – awwww, you did. Ah well, I’ll have some new dreams when I go to sleep tonight!” You know, stuff like that. Keep it positive. Throwing your aspirations out there, and then being like, “This is what I would like to do with my life. I would like to – HEY! Are you using my aspirations as a pooper scooper? Yes, I realize Fido is a hungry little fella, but did you have to deflower my aspirations with his excrement? Oh, okay, you did. Are you sure? You are. Alright, I guess the beauty of your yard is more important. I’ll hose my aspirations off later.”

Let the positivity envelope you. Go ahead, send a cover letter to that company with the job opening. Tell them about all the professional goals you have – “Here is what I learned in school. I, uh, wait, are you unzipping your pants? Are you hearing what I am saying right now? Hello? Okay, you are now urinating on my goals. Kind of rude. But anyways, I think I could be a good fit – alright, you are now sticking your finger down your throat. Why would you do that? Oh, I see. You wanted to add some vomit in with the urine. Real mature. And you are now defecating onto the concontion. Well sir, someone already did that on my chest earlier, so that actually doesn’t bother me. Good day to you.”

Yes, good things will come. Why not tell the world all about your thirst for success? “Yes, I may lack experience, but I assure you that, uh, I’m sorry, I couldn’t help but notice every time I say something, you roll your eyes and make the “jack-off” motion with your hand. That is just the height of disrespect. I didn’t want to work here anyways.”

So there you have it. Keep an optimistic attitude, and you shall garner the prosperity that you crave. Sure, you’ll get urinated, crapped, and vomited on, but one day, maybe a long time from now, you will arrive at that lusted-after goal, covered in feces and various other bodily fluids, and stinking to High Heaven. You may possibly even be too ill from all the bacteria and disease that reside in those bodily fluids to enjoy landing on the summit of your hopes and dreams, but that’s just one of life’s funny jokes. Nature is one of earth’s greatest comedians. Now go out there and get it!

Blong. One of the wisest teachers I’ve had once said “Jazz is not to be listened to before 9pm.” Well once 9pm rolls around, get your jazz listening done with, and then go ahead and pop in the album Untrue by Burial. It’s wonderful nighttime music. You can also listen to it when it’s foggy out. Burial – Etched Headplate, off of Untrue.

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