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The following interview took place in a room a few days ago during a thundery March day, on a spread of rare, expensive animal pelts. Succulent incense burned in the background, stimulating the olfactory sensations of all present, while soft, sitar-based music only added to the mood. The interviewer – the writer of this Blog – me. The interviewee – the writer of this Blog – me. Let’s take a look and see what happened.

Michael: I like to start off all my interviews with this question, what-

Michael: Michael, may I interject? All of your interviews? You’ve never interviewed anyone before.

Michael: That’s not true, I interviewed Louis Byrd for that journalism class last spring.

Michael: Was that the one where you were supposed to come up with insightful, character-revealing questions and you ended up asking him what flavor of Skittle he would be, and what his favorite super power was, and then, when you turned it in, the teacher told you it was terrible and that you had to do it over?

Michael: That would be the one.

Michael: That’s what I thought. And, by the way, did you know that the red Skittle is actually strawberry, and not cherry? I didn’t even know that until I had been an avid Skittle eater for about five years.

Michael: Yeah that’s crazy. It totally changed the way I thought about strawberries. It’s like I have more respect for them now or something.

Michael: I remember being a little kid, getting a fresh bag of Skittles, then dividing all the flavors into seperate piles, and creating different concoctions by combining them. But I always saved a few from the red pile so I could eat them last.

Michael: Yeah, I know.

Michael: Oh yeah, of course you do! But still, wasn’t it great?

Michael: I feel like we’re getting off topic here. What is your worst fear?

Michael: I think you know the answer to that question.

Michael: I do.

Michael: Then what’s the point of asking it?

Michael: There is a very redundant haze around this whole interview, isn’t there? Tell me about your childhood.

Michael: Well, I already told you that Skittle story. Not much else happened. I ate a lot of Skittles.

Michael: Yeah, you did. Describe yourself in three words.

Michael: Hmmm, that’s a tough one. How about this – Dominant force, wrecking ball, fire-breathing cyclone of all-encompassing, earth-shattering pestilence.

Michael: I guess I’ll accept that.

Michael: You can, and you will.

Michael: I shall, and I have. Where did you get that shirt?

Michael: Uh, I’m not wearing one. You told me not to.

Michael: That is correct. Moving along, what is your favorite word?

Michael: Yahtzee!

Michael: No it isn’t.

Michael: Yeah, you’re right. How about this – I’m going to turn the table and start asking you questions. Just who the hell do you think you are?

Michael: To be quite frank, I think you and I are a lot alike. Some might even say we are the same person.

Michael: Touché. Well, this whole thing turned out to be pretty pointless then. You wanna make out a little?

Michael: I thought you’d never ask.

Michael: I’m gonna watch you pee later too.

Michael: Splendid.

And that’s where I’m gonna have to cut this off. What happens after that doesn’t need to be seen by anyone, anywhere.

  1. Tom Gibson
    March 25, 2011 at 4:56 pm

    What a waste of time. By the way, Starburst are way better than Skittles.

    • March 25, 2011 at 8:00 pm

      I would almost agree about starburst, but they get caught in your teeth too much, and you have to unwrap each one. you can just rip right into skittles.

  2. March 26, 2011 at 5:33 am

    lmao i agree with you sean, skittles are way better. and holy sh*t thats 10 minutes of my life I will never get back from reading that haha

  3. November 17, 2014 at 6:11 am

    We really need to get you a girl or something.

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