Random Thoughts, Vol. Deuce

…you’re always seeing all these movies about time travel where somebody goes back and steals some invention to make themselves rich…have you ever thought that maybe the founders of google actually are from the future and stole google from the guy who really was going to create google…

..is acid rain still a thing, or is it once again safe for me and my supple epidermis to frolic about during a summer shower….

….what’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu…i’ll tell you…you need an oinkment for swine flu and a tweetment for bird flu…

…first i stole his money clip then i stole his honey dip…are those rap lyrics…if not, and you are a rapper, you’re welcome…just give me a cut of the songwriting credits……..

..i’m pretty sure my neighbor is torturing a cat or something…but i have no way to prove it…

….i’m worried that someday a guy with a peg leg will move in above me….

conversation…..someone who isn’t me: i’m leaving for texas in a few days…

other guy: texas, that’s cool man. where is that…….

someone who isn’t me: you’re asking where texas is…….

other guy: (holding out hand) yeah, like if my hand was a map of the united states, point to where it would be…..

…..other guy has lived in america for 47 years………

….a few years ago, during my influential run as a pizza delivery driver, a coworker nicknamed me “the doberman”……possibly because of my fierce, aggressive attitude and germanic ancestry……or maybe because back then i was always drinking from toilets and humping people’s legs………..

thanks for reading this. adios.