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This Is Pretty Much Everything I Know About Females

How To Talk To A Hot Girl

It’s actually quite simple – get in their way. Case study: when I was in high school, a hot girl would always walk by my friend’s locker and into the adjacent classroom. So one day, I deliberately stood in front of the classroom door as she approached. And then it happened – she talked to me! She actually talked to me! I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. It went a little something like this:

Hot girl: “Um, excuse me.”

Me: “Oh, sorry.”

We never spoke again. Perhaps our paths will cross again some day, but I have a feeling she ended up marrying some walking trash can for his money. Maybe she thinks of me from time to time, but I’m assuming she probably believes I wandered out in front of a milk truck and died. I have come to accept that.

How To Impress Any Female

The popularity of this Bruno Mars character has not evaded my radar. His “You’re amazing just the way you are, I’ll catch a grenade for you, blah, blah” brand of pop is nothing new. But I admire his guile in capturing one of the most coveted money-producing demographics in all of civilization – the tween-to-teenaged girl. So here is how you obtain what those tweens like to call “crazy mad props from the home skillets.” Listen up. For realsies. You should probably just write a song called something like “Yo Wud Up Grrrl, You So Hot, Even When You PMS-ing.” That’s it. Any song that tells a girl they look good will be a hit, no matter how doody the lyrics are.

Marriage Advice From My Great-Aunt

I recently learned a valuable lesson to use in the event of marriage. Last weekend my great-auntie Marm told me that if I plan to get married, at least make sure that I can lift the girl. I took two things from this chestnut of insight: Uggos are still in play, and even good ol’ Auntie Marm has a staunch no-fatties rule.

There you have it. Literally everything that I know about the opposite sex.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song). Today feels like a punk rock kind of day, doesn’t it? Toys That Kill – Amphetamine St.


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