Beard Culture

In my never-ending quest to become an eccentric billionaire, or at least a weird millionaire, I have recently been conducting what will eventually go down in history as “The Fantastic Ex-Beardi-ment of 2011.” As Tony Robbins once said, “If you want to be successful, find someone who has achieved the results you want and copy what they do and you’ll achieve the same results.” A truly heady quote from the man with some of the biggest teeth in showbiz. So obviously, I have begun emulating people who are disgustingly rich. I already copied Oprah and started a book club. That was just the first tributary that will inevitably feed the river of unfathomable wealth that I am seeking. Remember when Conan O’Brien got paid like 30 million dollars to leave NBC? Well, he has a beard, doesn’t he? So I’m copying him and growing a beard. Along the way, I’ve learned some very valuable things about myself, and what it truly means to be a person with a beard. And also, some very useless information. Read:

-Pogonology is the study of beards.

-My beard’s name is Agnes and it’s awesome and I love it.

-Now, when I stroke my chin while in deep contemplation, there is actually something there for me to run my fingers through.

-I don’t have a true “manly” beard – it doesn’t grow in very thick, so it looks like someone glued Barbie hair to my face. And if that weren’t embarrassing enough, the sorry excuse for beard hair is orange.

-My belief that I have always been a shining beacon of brunette perfection has been scrambled – the orange beard hair brings to light that I am in fact a closet “ginger.” It is a new, weird, confusing wrinkle in my existence that is difficult for me to stomach. But that is my cross to bear.

-A few days ago, while examination of Agnes was taking place in the bathroom mirror, I found residue from a previous meal of macaroni and cheese clinging to a few fibers of my flocculent growth. You are probably thinking to yourself “That’s gross.” Yes, it is gross, but it signals an important phase in the life of my beard. It is now long enough to snag rogue particles that hover around its “fly zone.”

-This beard actually makes me look like a pubescent Swedish boy so I’m going to go cut it off.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. Tapes ‘n Tapes – Badaboom.