Kegels for Men

Running and Z90x aren’t all fun and games (read about those here and here). At some point in this frenzy of activity, I have developed a hip ailment. In a quest to find out how this could have happened, I consulted my sister, who also happens to be a master misogynist, that is, massage therapist. After I gave her a brief rundown of what I have been up to, she provided me with a diagnosis. I tend to drift in and out of attention when people are talking, but here is what I took from the talk:

It all begins with the biggest muscle in the hip, the tessimal flaximus, more commonly known as the hippochondriatic flexor. That of course connects everything below the hip to the upper trunk of the body’s core. The interplay betwixt these anatomical dancers is an intricate tango that is meant for two. Metaphorically speaking, if you were to introduce an obnoxious, drunk guy in a leisure suit (in this case the jarring impact of jogging) who trys to join in the fun, that makes three, and any semblance of cooperation can be kissed goodbye. A fistfight may even ensue. According to my sister, the bounce of running has created a rift between my flaximus and upper core, originating from the lack of strength and support from my gluteal muscles. So, to put it in layman’s terms, my a** isn’t pulling its weight around here.

It was suggested that the gluteus maximus be strengthened. It brought this to mind:

I began to think of ways to strengthen my back end. And, lo and behold, the answer was right in front of my face. I have been reading the book I Am America (And So Can You) by Stephen Colbert, and coincidentally just finished the section where he discusses the concept of Kegels. If you’re not familiar with this, it’s an exercise named after Dr. Arnold Kegel that the ladyfolk use to work their, ahem, more delicate parts. I’m just going to assume that this can be applied to my buttocks. A few minutes a couple times a day, and my bottom will soon bring to mind a fresh, firm Georgia peach. I’ll be Kegelin’ with the best of ’em. Matter of fact, as I type this, I already am.