Archive for October, 2011

Free Money Fund Briefer

Time is of the essence and I gotta get out of here quick, so here’s a Free Money Fund update. Found a penny earlier in the week, so the jar now has five cents in it.

I Owned a Phat Farm Polo Shirt For One Day

Remember back in June when I started writing my memoirs? I kind of do, and you can too if you click here. Here is another anecdote I thought I should share. It’s the tale of how a Honolulu-blue Phat Farm brand polo shirt came into my possession in the summer of ’05.

I was standing outside a party at my neighbor’s house one night, and some guy came rushing out the back door, vomiting as he ran. It was mostly whiskey. I know that because some of it landed on my left shoulder and arm, and it’s easy to smell what something is when it’s soaked into your clothes. He felt so bad that he literally gave me the shirt off his back. I kept telling him that I had no use for his Phat Farm apparel, but he really wanted me to have it. So I took it, went home, threw it on the floor, and changed into one of my own non-Phat Farm shirts. I tried to think of something cool to do with that polo, and the best thing I came up with was to throw it in the trash.

Dream Analysis

Here’s a dream I had.

I was driving in a car with Kurtwood Smith (Red Forman from That 70’s Show), when we drove past a gigantic mansion that apparently belonged to Topher Grace (Eric Forman from That 70’s Show, although he never actually appeared in the dream). In what appeared to be a jealous rage, Kurtwood began to fire an automatic weapon (also known as “sprayin’ the place”) out the window of the car at the enormous home, causing a shower of broken glass and other debris.

What does that even mean? I haven’t watched That 70’s Show in like ten years. What is my subconscious mind trying to tell me? Feel free to comment with interpretations.

The Restroom Review – Zimmerman Super America

October 18, 2011 1 comment

Nestled on the northwestern crest of the Twin Cities metropolitan area, the Zimmerman Super America served up a dull helping of familiarity. The corporate cookie-cutter design of the space offered no surprises, right down to the putrid filth of the room. That may sound brash, but believe me, I’ve been around long enough to know that if you go into a gas station bathroom and don’t find a disgusting combination of hair/fluids, something is disturbingly wrong. Quite frankly, I would have had to knock points off if I could actually have seen myself clearly in the mirror. Luckily for this branch of Super America, everything was as dirty as it should have been this afternoon. Due to the heavy amount of airborne pathogens invisibly screaming around the room, I don’t even know why I bothered to wash my hands, but I did, and it led me to discover some caveman-esque etchings on the paper towel dispenser. From what I was able to decipher, I learned that “Justin rules” and “LaRhonda is a thieving slut,” both nice touches that gave the above-mentioned cookie-cutter design a more personal, local flavor. I did notice that the machine that sells glow-in-the-dark condoms, a staple of convenience store lavatories, was absent. Perhaps LaRhonda stole it.

Final verdict – Despite the quaint carvings, this restroom had nothing that really made it “pop.”

Mahout Monday

My old bones are weary and today’s post shall be a short one. Did you know that a mahout is an elephant driver? I sure didn’t until a few days ago.

Salubrious Sunday – How to Cure a Hangover

October 16, 2011 1 comment

After having a few drinks on Friday night with some people that I know, I found myself with a hangover. Here is how I went about getting rid of it.

After arriving home around noon on Saturday, I ate a whole thing of mac ‘n cheese with broccoli, spinach, and tomatoes in it, hoping that the healing qualities of the vegetables would cleanse my filthy insides. That didn’t really do anything, so I took a four hour nap. When I woke up, I ate a cheese tortilla roll-up thing. Then I went out for an eight mile run, thinking that exercise would flush out my system. I believe the run actually made things worse, because my dehydration level was increased. So I drank 64 ounces of Powerade and ate a four-cheese pizza with broccoli on it, and sat around for awhile. Then I took another nap, this time for about 10 1/2 hours. As of nine o’clock this morning, I felt like a new man.

Key points:

-Eat as much cheese as possible

-Don’t exercise because you will become dehydrated

-Try to get around 14 hours of sleep

-Sit on the couch a lot

That’s just what I did. Results may vary for people of a different age/body type/gender than me.

Blong (Blog Song). Weezer – Jamie. A rarity from the Blue Album era.

The Free Money Fund Update

Great news everyone. The balance of the Free Money Fund literally doubled last Tuesday, when I found a pair of pennies on the ground at work.

Total in the jar = four cents, American.

Friday Fun Facts – If A Tree Falls In A Forest And No One Is Around To Hear It, Does It Make A Sound?

     The answer is no, it does not. It will cause a vibration. Vibrations are taken in by the body’s auditory system and transformed by the brain into what we know and love as sound. Therefore, if no brain is present to form the vibration into sound, then there can be no sound. I’m outta here.

Doctors Don’t Have To Touch Your Genitals To Check For A Hernia Anymore

     Until yesterday, it had been about oh, seven to eight years since I’d been to a doctor. In that time, medicine has progressed astronomically. Under orders to take a physical exam, I arrived at the assigned medical center expecting an unpleasant morning of awkward small talk, lame jokes, and some doctor fondling my nugget pouch while breathing in my face. In my time away from the world of professional healing, things have changed, and for the better. Somewhere in the frenzy of testing, I was apparently checked for, and found not to have, a hernia. Didn’t take my pants off at any point, and nothing went near my stuff. Much to my relief, “turn your head and cough” appears to be an outdated practice. Or that doctor was really bad at his job.

How To Translate Rap Lyrics, Volume 2

October 12, 2011 1 comment

Greetings. This is a guide for people who don’t understand rap lyrics. One or two people seemed to enjoy the first volume, so here’s round two.

Lyric: “Cruisin’ down the street in my six fo’/Jockin the b*tches, slappin’ the hoes/went to the park to get the scoop/knuckleheads out there cold shootin’ some hoop.” -Eazy E, Boyz-n-the-Hood

Translation: “Driving down the government-funded roadway in my 1964 Chevrolet Impala/I was flirting with females that I found sexually attractive, and using physical violence against promiscuous women for whom I harbor no respect/I then proceeded to the public area set aside for recreation and relaxation, to see if anything interesting was happening, or if any thought-provoking gossip was to be had/The only notable occurence was a bunch of local idiots playing a game of basketball.”

Lyric: (Puff Daddy) “Mase can you please stop smoking La-La?” (Mase) “Puff, why try, I’m a thug, I’ma die high.” -Puff Daddy (featuring Mase), from Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down

Translation: (Puff Daddy) “Mase, I am imploring you to cease the inhalation of this mildy intoxicating chemical.” (Mase) “Puff, is it really worth the effort? The life I live is a depraved tapestry of liquor, thievery, and buffoonery. I fear that I have lost control, and that these actions will inevitably lead to my untimely demise.”

Lyric: “WHAAAAAAAAT?!???!!!? OOOOOKKKAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!” -Lil Jon, from every song he’s ever done

Translation: “Due to intellectual shortcomings, my own inherent laziness, and lack of forsight, I have unwittingly pigeonholed myself into an inescapable black hole of creative bankuptcy that has reduced me to a mere caricature of myself.”

Lyric: “We got Magnum Brown, Shoothki, Valoothki/Super-calafraga-hestik-alagoothki/You can put that in ya don’t know what I said book/Took-look-yuk-duk-wuk.” -Flavor Flav of Public Enemy, from Cold Lampin’ With Flavor

Translation: ???????

Lyric: “I’m a freak/I like the girls with the boom/I once got busy in a Burger King bathroom.” -Digital Underground, The Humpty Dance

Translation: “I have sexual quirks that are perceived as odd or disturbing compared to “traditional” ways of intercourse/I like a woman with added heft to her girth/I once copulated in the washroom of a popular fast food establishment.”

Blong (Blog Song). Some rap music. Ghetto Supastar. It’s pretty much about my life.

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