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Archive for November, 2011

The Future Of Black Friday

Black Friday, an event that used to take place on a Friday, has spilled over into Thanksgiving Thursday. As companies battle to be the first store open for the holiday shopping season, we are in for some interesting twists and turns in the next few years. Let’s just use Target as an example for this speculation, because they are the type of company I can see doing the things described in the following timeline.

2012 – Target takes the next logical step, keeping their stores open all day on Thanksgiving.

2013 – A number of other companies follow suit.

2014-2019 – During these years, Thanksgiving shopping will become a standard practice. One company, probably Target, will then go all in, declaring the day after Halloween the “New Black Friday.” This will set off an entirely new retail war – Black Friday will be pushed up to the day after Columbus Day, then as far as Labor Day. Target, ever the innovator, will go as far as coining the term “Black July.” In mid June, they will begin setting up Christmas displays, to prepare their guests for the coming July holiday shopping rush. A few outsiders, maybe a small local company battling this corporate giant, will then start running Christmas ads the week before Memorial Day. Target will not take kindly to this.

2020 – Target announces that the true holiday shopping season begins on Christmas day. People will spend Christmas day shopping for Christmas presents, for next year’s Christmas.

2021 – Some people freeze to death on Christmas Eve camping outside, waiting for Target to open its doors.

2022 – In a “We are sorry about the deaths of those people, because they won’t be able to shop at Target anymore” move, Target announces “Hotel Target” will be added to all Target stores within the next two years. Hotel Target will accomodate guests who would otherwise be braving the elements in order to beat the morning shopping rush. Hotel Target is stocked with fine Target products, like soap, shampoo, Market Pantry snacks, etc., which will simply be itemized and added to your bill when you check out, and is conveniently located within walking distance of a Target store.

2025 – Getting a room at Hotel Target for the shopping season becomes nearly impossible. From Memorial Day to Christmas, rooms are booked solid. A black market for Hotel Target reservations starts. In what could be made into a whole other story, Target eventually buys out the black market, renaming it Target Market.

2027 – Target announces “Target City.” It is a completely self-sustaining environment, where people can live while they wait to shop at Target. It will be a lot like the arcologies from Sim City 2000, which look like this:

2030 – Major metropolitan areas all over the country are taken over by Target Cities.

2035 – The United States of America changes its name to Target.

2036 – Target (the store) announces that Christmas will not be recognized in Target (the country) anymore. Instead, December will be a month-long celebration of Target (the store, and the country), where people will be allowed to shower Target (the country) with gifts that they have purchased at Target (the store).

2040 – A band of outsiders get sick of only shopping at Target. They look to the past for inspiration, and decide to revive the Occupy movement. Scores of people begin Occupy Target, with the aim to take down their oppressor.

2041 – Since everyone lives and works in and at Target, the Occupy strategy goes unnoticed, and loses the small amount of momentum it had. The few remaining dissenters are pointed out by loyalists. After a brief absence, the former rebels emerge back into Target society, with large scars, which appear to be from an incision, noticeable across their foreheads. With a dead look in their eyes, they drool out the side of their mouths and proclaim in a vague, monotone voice, “I love Target.”

2045 – Earth is now Target.

2050 – Target (the planet) decides to colonize the Sun, its only real competitor. The Sun makes everything that Target does possible, and surely, it can be conquered. A brave Target (the space travel division) scientist speaks up, and says that is not possible. She is shot dead. The next scientist in line, seeing the fate of his colleague, agrees to take on the mission.

2051-2055 – After a number of failed excursions, due mostly to disintegration by extreme heat, Target (the Esteemed Chancellor, the ruler of all things Target) declares war with the Sun.

2058 – The Sun is finally defeated at a great cost of life to Target (the planet). After years of trying and trying and trying to find a substance able to withstand the extreme heat of the Sun, Target (the space travel division) hits paydirt. The sacred bones of deceased Targets (Esteemed Chancellors) past are revealed to be cold enough (even in death, the bones of a former Chancellor retain extremely low temperatures) to defy the high temperatures of the Sun. A Target (a bomb composed of the bones of the Chancellors, packed tightly together, charged with enough radioactive waste to create a catastrophic explosion) is dispatched skyward.

2060 – Having no sunlight, Target (the planet, the stores, the race, everything really) goes into deep, deep freeze, and is shattered into trillions of tiny fragments when a meteor strikes the giant ball of ice.

3,987,745 – There are now trillions of tiny Target planets, orbiting Hydra, one of Pluto’s moons, which is the largest celestial object left at this period in time. The tiny organisms that survived the meteor catastrophe have evolved into a new race of Targets. Living in this sun-less universe, they have developed glands that allow them to perform the opposite of photosynthesis, that is, nourishment comes in the form of darkness, which is bountiful. The combination of an unlimited food source and no natural predators creates a Target race more powerful than could ever be fathomed. The End.

The Domestic Free Money Fund Dips, International Increases

As of the last Domestic Free Money Fund report, the total was at 66 cents. A withdrawal had to be made for personal reasons, and the balance now sits at 57 cents.

In International Fund news, the Mexican account is holding steady at one peso.

However, Danish influence has reached the International Fund. An odd coin was found a few weeks ago, and has been added into the International mix. The Danish account now sits at 25 Øre.

Friday Fun Facts – William Tell

It is said that on this date in 1307, William Tell shot an apple off his son’s head with a crossbow. Flash forward over 600 years later: William S. Burroughs, the writer, would attempt a similar stunt with a gun at a bar in Mexico City. Long story short, he ended up killing a woman named Joan Vollmer. True story.

I Outran a Prius Today

Today somewhere in the metropolitan area, man defeated machine. A stoplight turned red, placing a Prius (Latin; meaning “before”) and I (on foot) next to each other. The light then turned green, and the “walk” signal lit up. I took off running. I tore that pedestrian lane up. It was a race across the intersection, and I won. I was already a good two, three steps onto the sidewalk before that thing caught up to me. Looks like I beat it at its own game, before it even knew that it was playing its own game. But it still doesn’t change my belief that machines will eventually destroy us.

Categories: Postaday2011, Running Tags: ,

My Beard Quivers At The Thought Of A World In Which Gingers Are Hated

November 16, 2011 2 comments

Gingers. They complain about sunburn in the winter. They reek of potatoes. They never shower. They steal our jobs. They don’t pay taxes. They abuse welfare. They float to this country on makeshift rafts, then live here illegally. They don’t speak English. They live in absolute squalor. Go ahead, drive by a ginger’s house, which is probably actually a shanty built out of wine boxes where nine of them are sharing two bedrooms. There’s a broken washing machine sitting next to the weight bench in the front yard, but you probably didn’t notice that because the rusted-out car sitting on cinder blocks was in the way. And if all that wasn’t enough, they have red hair.

I used to believe all of these stereotypes. Then I grew a beard. It turns out that my body, most notably my head, is a rich tapestry of ethnic diversity. The thick, ropy Scandanavian hair. The boozy, glazed over eyes and contented grin of a German boy who has overstuffed himself yet again on läger and überschnitzel at the local kraut haus. And then, this: the red beard. It turns out the very peoples who I had come to hate had at some point weaseled their way into my family tree, by dubious means I am sure.

Upon discovering red hair growing on my face, I immediately shaved and then cried in the shower for 45 minutes.

That was years ago. I now wear my red beard with only a small amount of shame. I as a person may not like the fact that I am part ginger, but my beard does, and is doing its best to spread awareness within the community that gingers kind of don’t suck. Sure, their bodies can’t produce “skin color,” and they pray for the destruction of the sun, but we’ve all got our quirks.

So, the next time you’re giving the local redhead its daily kidney beating, maybe lay off, and work the liver for a while. And buy it a drink after. My beard will thank you.

Here’s the Blong (Blog Song) of the day. The Isley Brothers – Keep On Doin’.

Stuff That Kids Say

Quote of the day:

“I just threw up in my mouth, but it went back down. Sometimes I do that.” -my five-year-old nephew.

No Shave November – Two Weeks In

Here we are, two weeks into No Shave November. I think it’s for men’s health awareness or something, but I have no idea what my beard is doing to bring light on that subject. No one has asked me why I haven’t shaved. More than likely people just assume I’m lazy and always look like this. Not shaving is saving me time though – probably 15-20 minutes a week, so I got that goin’ for me. I could use some of that bonus time to make T-shirts for next November that say “Be Aware Of Men’s Health Issues,” because that’s more to the point than growing a beard.

Richard Ford – The Sportswriter

I did not like this book. The one highlight was the use of the word “nugatude,” which a simple internet search revealed to not be a word at all. Nugatude.

This is the guy that wrote the book.

Americana

If there’s anything more American than an old man wearing a mesh baseball cap drivin’ his beat-up-yet-trusty pickup truck down a dirt road with his hound on the seat next to him, tongue just flappin’ there in the wind, please, tell me what it is.

Fartin’ Around On 11/11/11

Did anyone else notice that today’s date is all ones? Weird. Anyways, it’s also Veteran’s Day. One of my favorite veterans, Kurt Vonnegut, was also born on this day in 1922 (RIP). He gave us this quote in Timequake, which just may be my favorite of all time:

“We are here on Earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different!”

Word.

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