Archive for February 2, 2012

Help Yourself, Pt. 2 – The Blurbs

After the cover of any successful book, we always turn that cover over to find the first few pages occupied by blurbs about how great the book is. Under ideal conditions, these are written by someone at a respectable publication, a notable expert, or a celebrity. I have access to none of those, so I wrote them myself.

Praise for Help Yourself

“When all is said and done, you could probably get by without reading this book. That is, if you’re a homosexual (not that there’s anything wrong with that). So go ahead, put the book down, homo.” -Michael Cedarwood

“When Cedarwood writes, people read. 10/10. I clapped nine times. Eight million copies will be sold. Seven chapters full of sheer genius. You should read this book at least six times. Five years from now, it will still be a classic. Four stars. Three. Two thumbs way up. Number One. You are a zero if you don’t read this book.” -Michael Cedarwood

“I had no clue that writing a self-help book could actually help me write a self-help book. I highly recommend it.” -Michael Cedarwood

“Vintage Cedarwood.” -Michael Cedarwood

“Literally everyone who reads this book will write a best-selling book.” -Michael Cedarwood

“A great bathroom book. Keep it near your toilet, to be referenced when there is no definite timeframe for exit. Defecation will no longer be a painful, shame-filled experience. This book makes pooping fun again.” -Michael Cedarwood

“In lesser hands, this book would have sucked. An astonishing debut.” -Michael Cedarwood

“This book hasn’t really improved my life – I’m still really poor and stuck in a dead-end job. But remember, I haven’t read the book, I just wrote it. Imagine the boundless possibilities if I did read it.” -Michael Cedarwood

“Cedarwood feasts upon the wisdom of centuries past, digests it, and excretes it in a manner that is edible for those who have higher aspirations than just reading a book. He helps them write it.” -Michael Cedarwood

“I would give a copy of this book to every single one of my friends and family as a gift this holiday season, but I hate them all too much to want to see them succeed in life.” -Michael Cedarwood

“I wish I could travel back in time and kick Cedarwood in the dick for not writing this book earlier.” -Michael Cedarwood

“Allow me to give you a glimpse as to what Cedarwood has to offer. Values. Convictions. Fundamentals. Convinced?” -Michael Cedarwood

Synergy. Lasting Results. Conquering Challenges. Still not satisfied?” -Michael Cedarwood

Patterns of Success. Management Parables. Ambition. If that doesn’t get you off, I don’t know what will.” -Michael Cedarwood

Influention. Conversationalistic understandment. Inventional Achievement. I think I’ve got your attention now.” -Michael Cedarwood

“And just to be sure, principles, paradigms, and penmanship. Booya.” -Michael Cedarwood

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