Help Yourself, Pt. 3 – Disclaimer

Here’s part three of the self-help book about how to write a self-help book that I’m writing. After the cover and blurbs, you’ve got to be smart and take into account the legal ramifications of what you say about the people around you. Too many talented self-help authors are reduced to rubble by lawsuits after their loser friends get jealous of their success and try to get in in that sweet action.

Chapter .25 – Disclaimer

Throughout this book, I will occasionally reference people I know. To protect their identity, I have changed their names. But not all of them. By using this technique, you, the reader, will be none the wiser as to which names have been changed and those that haven’t. For example, later on in the chapter about relationships, I briefly mention what a depraved harlot LaShandrell is. Now, you will have no way of knowing whether this woman’s name actually is LaShandrell*. This plan of mine works on many levels. Maybe some guy named Bill that I refer to in an upcoming chapter actually is named Bill, but because I’m telling you right now that the names might have been changed, you’ll think that his name isn’t really Bill, because it sounds generic and fake. And this way, if there is a person I know named Bill (which there is) that ends up reading this book, he won’t think I’m talking about him, because in real life Bill and I are distant acquaintances at best, so why would I bother talking about him when I have so many other better, closer friends? But there is that outside chance that I am talking about him, because I said that some names have been changed and some haven’t. He’ll think that it’s just a coincidence that I used his name and that I’m talking about someone who isn’t him. But if he sees this part he might realize that I actually am talking about him, while it’s still possible that I’m not. After reading this section, Bill will be extremely self-conscious as to whether the Bill I’m talking about is in fact him or not, which it kind of isn’t. Either way, Bill will learn something – if I criticize him, he can learn from his faults. If I praise him, he can take pride in knowing that he is a gleaming figurehead of virtuous character traits.

*Note to LaShandrell – if you’re reading this, I’m actually not talking about you. I love you. There are only so many names out there, so I picked one at random, and LaShandrell came to be the fake name for Sharon**, who is just a dirty, dirty streetwalker.

**Note to Sharon – the Sharon I talk about is a name I made up for that one broad you got in a fight with at the club back in ’03. I couldn’t remember what her real name was so I used Sharon.