October Is Man Nipple Health Awareness Month

My nipples are my livelihood. Did you know that, in lieu of a lactating woman, a man’s nipple has a placebocratic effect on a hungry infant? Or, when slathered in peanut butter, the masculine teat can provide fun and sustenance for canines? These are just two uses for what many believe to be a vestigial adornment on the male body.

So why Man Nipple Health Awareness Month? Just the other day, Lefty was nearly mangled by the business end of a pitchfork. I escaped with minor abrasions. After many, many erotic soapings followed by even steamier Neosporin applications to the affected area, it got me thinking that I’ve always taken all of the nipples on my body for granted. You never know when circumstances will arise that can tragically rip, scrape, suck, or slice one off. This October, be aware of your nipples, and the rippling influence they have had on your life. Treasure them, dammit. Treasure them.

Artistic rendering of one of my nipples