Home > Comedy, Sports > Flatulent Doofus Ruins Vikings Game

Flatulent Doofus Ruins Vikings Game

In what’s being hailed as a calamity in the world of football fandom, a freak accident has left thousands dead and even more hurting at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Officials are still sifting through the details, but here is what this reporter has deduced thus far — dirty fart dust from a low-level Dome employee entered the main ventricle of the building’s ventilation network, mixed with 30 year’s worth of bacteria buildup, and then began to expand, mutate, and clone itself as it gained wide distribution throughout the structure. It went on to shut down the respiratory systems of thousands of football fans, and sent those who didn’t perish into varying degrees of dilapidated consciousness and shortness of breath.

“At first, the blast seemed to be harmless, but when circulated by the propellers used to support the roof, it was amplified twenty-fold,” said David H. Geiger*, designer of the Metrodome’s innovative roof system.

“We usually install safeguards against this type of disaster, but air filtration technology has only advanced so far,” Geiger went on.

“Filter too much, and the air gets stagnant. Don’t filter enough, and this happens,” he said. “This exact event is every inflatable roof engineer’s nightmare.”

While a good amount of blame can be placed on Geiger’s shoulders, a small amount should also be directed at the guy who farted. Emilio Consuela-Rodriguez-Smith, a backup peanut vendor who was waiting in a hallway in the event that he would be called up, reported that he was trying to lift a heavy case of pickles when “it” happened.

“I bent down to pick up the case. It was heavier than I thought, and I floated an air biscuit in front of what I believed at the time to be a vent that led outdoors. Turns out it was a vital roof-supporting intake fan. My bad.”

His bad, indeed. The intake fan immediately sucked in Consuela-Rodriguez-Smith’s effluvium, and wasted no time in distributing it to the entire crowd present at the Vikings-Titans game. The after-effects were instant.

“I’ve. Never. Seen. So. Much. Vomit,” Vikings coach Leslie Frazier said from his hospital room, using a DECtalk© speech synthesizer (the same device that Stephen Hawking uses) to communicate, after losing conversational faculties due to a collapsed lung.

Figures from the Hennepin County Medical Center cemented the incident as a Level Seven Flatulence Disaster. How a single fluff from a clueless idiot could have such a ridiculous and improbable impact remain the source of much speculation, hilarity, and hotness.

In other news, iron lung sales are skyrocketing in the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul area, creating a few jobs that will last for a couple of weeks.

*It was just brought to my attention, by me, that Geiger passed away in 1989. Everything else in this article has been fact-checked and verified.

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