Tony Fly: “Every Morning, I Unwrap My Lips From Around The Barrel Of A Shotgun So That One Day I Can Again Act As The Proverbial Shepherd To The Metaphorical Sheep That Comprise The Aimlessly Wandering Populace Of The Twin Cities Metropolitan Area”

“Wow, that headline looks really bad on paper. Allow me to ameliorate that quote,” said recently displaced radio personality Tony Fly from a recliner in his den.

“I am not, I repeat, NOT going to kill myself. It’s like this — I…well, the past few months have been rough. I had to pawn off all my silverware, so when I eat breakfast in the morning, I have to jam pappy’s old shotgun directly into my bucket of ice cream. It gets caked up in the barrel, so then I kind of unhinge my jaw — like a boa constrictor — and suck the cream out. Crude? Yes. Delicious? Even more yes. Once I’m done with that though, I absolutely crush it on Monster.com, because the Twin Cities need me back in action.”

Let’s backtrack for a moment. Unless you’ve been living in a wi-fi deficient shanty town since August, you undoubtedly know that Tony Fly, the legendary radiotronic demigod that once blessed the greater Minneapolis-St. Paul metropolitan area with his divine insight and wit on various programs, was relieved of his morning show duties on the area’s adult contemporary station 96.3 K-Twin. Fly has also appeared in Taco Bell commercials endorsing Doritos Locos Tacos during syndicated episodes of The Simpsons on local channel 45.

“I make sure the gun isn’t loaded when I’m using it to eat. Safety first, kids,” Fly said into a microphone, the wire of which could be seen coiling out from under Fly’s Transformers blanket onto the floor and eventually ending, not plugged into anything, near an empty box of Cocoa Puffs.

“No one does it better. He’s a consummate professional. Would I hire him? Absolutely not, unless he finds a way to regenerate himself into a hot 23 year-old girl every few years,” said Dave Ryan, a noted supporter of hot 23 year-old girls, and longtime host of KDWB’s morning show. “We just wouldn’t have a place for him on the show,” Ryan went on, “Unless he was, you know, a hot 23 year-old girl.”

Fly, on how he was let go: “Well, when we switched formats from 96 Now to K-Twin a few months back, a guy came into the studio and told me to start saying “K-Twin” instead of “96 Now” while I was on the air. I asked him if, due to the changes, I would still be receiving a bi-weekly paycheck. He said yes, so I quickly said to myself ‘K-Twin K-Twin K-Twin,’ while slapping myself on the forehead so I would remember. Flash forward a few months, and I’m out on my ass. A lot of good all that studying did.”

On if he’s open to new opportunities: “I’ve been in radio for so long, I don’t really know any other way. The people of the Twin Cities need me. Imagine a world where I’m not there to break down the rich, multi-tiered symbolism Adam Levine injects into Maroon 5 songs. Imagine a world where people don’t know what I thought of last night’s American Idol episode. Well let me tell you something — you don’t have to imagine that world. It’s here. These people are nothing but lost and wandering sheep. And one day, I hope not too long from now, I will rise from the ashes, like a phoenix, and a shepherd, too — like a shepherd phoenix — to guide them back to the celestial waters of radio perfection.”

At this point, Fly took a potty break. In the den, a prolonged, guttural, world-weary sigh could be heard emanating from the restroom. Upon his return, he picked his nose a little, and said “Well, we can head down to Taco Bell if you want. Sometimes they recognize me in there, and I get a small discount.”

The interview ended shortly after that.