Archive for December 11, 2012

The Government Should Regulate And Make Everything Illegal Except For Vegetables

Knives kill. Cars kill. Alcohol kills. Drugs kill. Racism kills. Teeth kill. Terrorism kills. Sports kill. Pennies, if used creatively, kill. Ideas kill. Meat is murder. Oil pollutes. Gas pollutes. Plastic pollutes. Everything is bad, and people can’t use anything without hurting somebody. That is why vegetables should be the only thing that humans are allowed to use without government intervention (and water, maybe–still dangerous). We can’t be trusted with anything else. Fruits get a limited pass, but their sweetness is a little too close to the borderline of pleasure for my taste. And pleasure, as we all know, causes AIDS, which kills. We must invent a way to eliminate human contact, which kills, yet we still need to perpetuate the species. This is why we still need guns. The reasons are two-fold:

1) I already said earlier that knives kill. So how do you chop up your scrumptious meal of vegetables every day without a knife? You shoot the vegetables, from a safe distance, with a gun. This explodes them into smaller, easily ingestible portions that have the least chance of choking you. And you can shoot anyone who tries to steal your vegetables.

2) Human contact causes disease and death. We know this. But we still need to create humans so that all the vegetables we are growing don’t become sentient and take over the world, thus producing a hedonistic, all-enveloping culture of everything antithetical to the race of vegetable-loving gun enthusiasts that we will happily become after all this legislation goes through. Enter…….badabadabadabada……. the pregnancy gun. It shoots government-approved pregnancy-inducing goop into human females from a distance of no less than 50 yards. No way to get HIV there.

So there you have it. All we need–vegetables and guns.

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