Home > Reviews > I Get The One Subway Sandwich “Artist” Who Was Influenced By The Minimalist Movement

I Get The One Subway Sandwich “Artist” Who Was Influenced By The Minimalist Movement

It’s my own fault, really. I wasn’t paying attention when my sandwich was being made right in front of me.

I got home, bit into the sub. It made a whooshing fart sound, then deflated. I opened it up. The general layout was an embarrassment. The few ingredients in the sandwich were concentrated in the middle. A few pickles, a light splattering of black olives, a couple of tomatoes. Even the cheese had somehow withdrawn and puckered. A total of two pieces of green pepper were visible.

I’ve never had a Subway Sandwich Artist drop this kind of bomb on me before.

I would have gladly eaten a sub prepared by a Dadaist or Surrealist Sandwich Artist, if it would have gotten me more than four banana peppers. The sandwich I crave needs someone, maybe and Expressionist or Impressionist, who isn’t afraid to bombard the sub with rich, girthy, experimental swaths of ingredients, and more than one pass with the mustard bottle. But a Minimalist? I love a diversity of styles, but Minimalism has no place in Subway.

This sandwich artist was clearly rejecting the bombastic array of rich textures and colors before her in some sort of sick rebellion against the norms of conventional Subway Sandwich Art. I wanted a sandwich that would make me feel like this:

The Scream, by Edvard Munch, 1893

But got this:

Black Square, by Kazimir Malevich, 1915

Next time I go to Subway, I will be asking the potential Sandwich Artist to display a catalogue of previous works, as well as a list of creative influences.

  1. March 7, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    “Made a whooshing fart sound, then deflated…” Man, that cracked me up! Funny, funny post. Still laughing. I wonder if THAT’s how Jared lost all that weight? Not the whooshing farts, but the lack of sandwich content. Although there’s an argument for both.

    • March 7, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Ha, I suppose a balanced regimen of whooshing flatulence combined with poorly-decorated sandwiches would cause someone to lose weight. In theory.

  2. Tom
    March 8, 2013 at 9:37 am

    Maybe in a previous drunken stupor you said or did something to this girl to piss her off. Further investigation is needed. Outstanding post.

  3. March 10, 2013 at 5:30 pm

    I suppose things could have been worse. What if your artist was a pointilist? Too finely cut? A cubist? Too chunky?

    • March 10, 2013 at 5:36 pm

      I suppose each syle would have its advantages and disadvantages. As long as they pile on the toppings, I would be cool with whatever their artistic leaning was.

      • March 10, 2013 at 6:00 pm

        I hear you, but if Dali made your sandwich, it might look a bit unappetizing. Interesting, but hard to swallow.

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