Archive for April 3, 2013

Joe Mauer: “My Second Favorite Part Of Life In The Big Leagues Is Waxing My Bat”

In the first interview of this series, Joe Mauer professed his undying love of showering at a Major League level. The goal of this follow-up was to steer Mauer away from his hygiene habits, and attempt to talk about the actual game of baseball. The question posed: after showering, what is your second favorite part of life in the big leagues? Let’s see what happened.

“Well, showering is and always will be my favorite part of the game,” Mauer explained, “But you can’t shower all the time. You just can’t. Other things need to get done in order to have a winning season. That’s why I wax my bat three, four times a day.”

Again, fans were shocked to hear Mauer’s answer. “Are you kidding me? He’s a multi-millionaire. He can pay to have anyone do anything he wants, and he said he buffs his own stick?” said an astonished fan. Another replied, “He knows that Target Field is surrounded by bars and nightclubs, right? And he’s down there in the locker room after games, rubbing his rod raw, because he likes to? Get out of here.”

After hearing some of the reactions, Mauer clarified. “I don’t always do it myself,” he confessed. “When I first got into the league, yes, I would service it personally, because I was too modest and shy to ask anyone else to do it. And up until recently, my wife, Maddie, would give it a real nice once-over whenever I got home from the ballpark. Heck, when we first started dating, she couldn’t keep her hands off the darn thing. I almost forgot how to do it myself. But now that she’s pregnant, she’s never really in the mood to do it anymore, so guess who the responsibility falls on? Moi,” he said, pointing at himself.

When asked if he was actually talking about cleaning a bat, or if he was making a thinly-veiled reference to masturbation, Mauer, with a completely serious look on his face, said, “Mast…….mast..tur…..master what?” When it became clear he wasn’t joking, his reputation as one of the most wholesome figures in the world of sports became even further cemented.

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