Home > Comedy, Politics > The Gay Illuminati: “The Bigots Are Right. Homosexual Marriage Is A Multi-Faceted Conspiracy Designed To Decimate Modern Society.”

The Gay Illuminati: “The Bigots Are Right. Homosexual Marriage Is A Multi-Faceted Conspiracy Designed To Decimate Modern Society.”

Adam Weishaupt

In a deathbed purging of highly confidential material, a former high-ranking member of the Gay Illuminati recently revealed that everything the bigots have been saying is true: the legalization of gay marriage has nothing to do with basic human equality, but rather is one of the first steps in a complex, intricately weaved conspiracy aimed at blasting out the footings of “traditional” Americana, with the end goal being nothing short of total homosexuality for everyone, everywhere.

The dying man asked only to be identified as Ray, a descendant of the gay brother of Adam Weishaupt, who founded the Bavarian Illuminati in 1776. The Illuminati, an organization that has been thought throughout its esoteric history to have been behind a number of influential revolutions and assassinations the world over, also has a gay side that is just as diabolical, Ray said.

“You don’t know how good it feels to be telling this story,” Ray began, “It’s like a huge man in assless chaps has been lifted off my shoulders.”

“We’ve always operated on the fringes of society, in the shadows, behind the curtain. But now, with gay marriage at the forefront of public policy, the secret has been ‘outed,’ so to speak.”

Short-sighted, intolerant rednecks everywhere expressed their relief that the plan was caught before it could be executed. “Let me just say this: I knew it,” said a man in a mesh trucker hat, as tobacco spit dripped off his chin and mixed with the mustard stain on his wife-beater. He also had a little bit of poop in his pants. “I ain’t know how, but I knew it.”

Ray expressed surprise at how the conspiracy was revealed. “It’s funny,” he said, “I never thought we’d be found out, but worst case scenario, if we were discovered, I figured it would have been someone more, I don’t know what word to use here, imaginative? Cultured?”

According to Ray, the plan has been slowly coming to a boil for some time, right under the public’s nose. “It starts with gay couples adopting kids, and turning those kids gay. Straight, married couples have never been known to produce gay children, and our new recruits have got to come from somewhere.”

Out of touch, still-wishin’-it-was-the-1950’s-curmudgeons from the inner city to the suburbs felt validated. “I knew there was no way that lesbian couple up the street had any business adopting a child. Now I can be 100% positive that they only got it so they could make it into a gay,” said one suburban mother, who has never gone out of her way to befriend or even interact with a social demographic other than her own.

Ray explained a theory on why the Gay Illuminati’s scheme was uncovered. “We got greedy. That’s all there is to it. Just like our counterparts in the (straight) Illuminati were able to put the Eye In The Triangle right there on the dollar bill, to let everyone know they were watching, our own symbolism ultimately exposed us. Those red and pink ‘Equality’ symbols everyone is putting on Facebook? Those are just two pills that turn people into homosexuals. I can’t believe how many people fell for that one.”

One man, described by his Neo-Nazi friends as “kind of a prick,” and who also would have opposed desegregation and women’s suffrage, had he been alive at the time, added this: “If I see one of them ‘Coexist’ or ‘Tolerance’ stickers on a car, or any sort of automotive decoration containing three or more colors of the rainbow, it’s my duty as a straight American to, at the very least, bust out a taillight, or let the air out of the tires. That oughta stop ’em from gettin’ to their secret meetings.”

Ray continued. “The ignorant masses were right all along. Gay marriage was only supposed to be the springboard. After that, we were going to push for animal/human marriages, which would lead right into inanimate object/human marriages, then animal/animal marriages, then object/object marriages, and, eventually, a bisexual camel would become president and usher in the complete and utter destruction of every institution that straight people have ever held dear. But some way, somehow, the completely clueless homophobes were able to foresee all that. Dammit.”

The ultimate question: who was the oblivious hate-filled ignoramus who blew the lid off of the plan? Ray reluctantly told the story: “Well, we were operating out of a small restaurant in Minneapolis. To make sure no one would ever wander in off the street, we named it ‘Iranian Hot Dog Buffet.’ And, what do you know, one night some illiterate white trash, alcoholic hooplehead came busting in, saw the diagrams we had drawn out, snapped a picture with his iPhone, and scampered off.”

“Once that photo leaked, the one man no one ever wants to meet, the Gay Illuminatus Primus, paid me a visit, and injected me with the poison that is now slowly killing me.”

After those words, Ray slipped into the death grips. He mustered a final statement:

“My one regret is that I will never witness the bisexual camel take control,” he wheezed. “That would’ve been cool.”

  1. April 8, 2013 at 5:25 pm

    The Phonyon Staff hereby announces its opposition to animal/object marriage. Concurrently, we reiterate our support for human/cyborg marriage (hetero-only).

  2. April 8, 2013 at 8:38 pm

    Two words: Scrap Heap (unless its really attractive following the retrofit)

  3. April 15, 2013 at 12:10 pm

    This is brilliant! A billion points! 🙂

    • April 15, 2013 at 5:44 pm

      Thank you! Where are these points redeemable?

      • April 15, 2013 at 5:55 pm

        Ah, yes… well, about that. They were issued from somewhere in the Mediterranean, a small island called Cyplops, or something…

  4. April 16, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    “It’s like a huge man in assless chaps has been lifted off my shoulders.” What a turn of phrase! I am now a follower. Thanks for sharing.

  5. James
    January 25, 2014 at 11:02 pm

    Buddies shouldn’t play with each other’s digestive systems

  6. marvin george
    November 29, 2015 at 3:54 am


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