Home > Minutia, Random Thoughts > Thank You For Attempting To Donate A Fecal Matter Splattered Toilet Seat To Charity

Thank You For Attempting To Donate A Fecal Matter Splattered Toilet Seat To Charity

Dear charitable donor:

Greetings and salutations, you altruistic bastard! Thank you for your recent philanthropic contribution of one toilet seat with human feces on it. Our organization is grateful. I love dung—we’d all become very sick if our bodies didn’t produce it. Having said that, it is with great regret that we decided to reject your attempted donation.

I know, I know. The toilet seat was in good condition. I’m the first person to admit that. No cracks, well oiled hinges. Can’t ask for much more than that. And remember, in the opening sentence of this letter, I professed my love of scat, so please don’t take this next part as offensive. I’m not the bad guy here.

Apparently, there are “health codes” here in Minnesota. I hadn’t heard of them until this, either. I mean, it’s your right as an American to get as much soft serve on your personal toilet seat as you want. I’ll defend to the death that freedom. Supposedly, and I’m just quoting my superiors here, we are allowed to accept toilet seats as charitable donations, those are fine and dandy, but any residual splatterings that accompany them are strictly verboten. It’s a bunch of bureaucratic brew-ha-ha, if you ask me. Bowel movements are a part of life, like breathing. Next thing you know, we won’t be able to accept anything that has been breathed on. Thank you, liberal America. Or is it the conservatives? Either way, they’re both screwing people like you and me—the real heroes, the “little guys”—over in one way or another.

Yes, we need your “gently used” items. The term is a bit misleading, I see that now. In this floundering economy, our charity needs anything we can get our hands on. So what if you walked into the bathroom and spray-farted before you were properly seated, then decided the toilet seat that took the shot was good enough for those less fortunate? In my jaded vision of a perfect world, that would be acceptable. But, like I said, it’s my boss, not me, that’s putting the kibosh on this. I would loved to have picked up that festering poo-poo-platter, I really would have, but I’ve got a job to worry about here. Otherwise I’ll be the one needing your discards!

It is our benevolence that propels us forward as a species. But alas, as we continue on, sanitation is becoming an ever-enveloping issue. It just is. I’m going to fight this, believe me. Until the higher-ups pull their heads out of each other’s (probably properly-wiped) butts, can I ask that you please humor them and clean any trace of solid waste off of anything that you plan on donating to charity?

Thank you,

The guy who picks up the stuff you donate to charity

  1. EG-Writing
    April 16, 2013 at 3:37 pm

    The lack of public bathrooms in North America never ceases to confound me – and I’m not talking about the “This is a coffee shop which also has a bathroom” type of public bathrooms. I’m talking about the “This is a completely separate enterprise, for the express purpose of peeing” types of public bathrooms. In Europe they are common, and usually have an attendant in the bathroom.

    It is my firm belief that the attendant is present to guilt people into not taking a dump all over a seat. At the very least, they will be fearful of being found out, and their nerves get the best of them. That’s why the same bathroom culprits typically do not make a mess of anything in a bathroom, during a party at a friend’s house.

    … I think what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry you have to clean up poop.

    • April 16, 2013 at 4:17 pm

      Oh don’t worry, I didn’t have to clean up anything……..just looked at it and said “Nope.”

  2. April 16, 2013 at 6:28 pm

    Difficult to agree on fair-market value on that item…actually, is $0 even tax deductible?

    • April 17, 2013 at 5:13 am

      Depends on where you are from…in some states they actually use poo as currency.

  3. April 19, 2013 at 10:07 am

    This post actually made me paranoid enough that I got up and went back into the bathroom after my morning poo to make absolutely sure there were no residuals. Really great piece, but not for the reason I just mentioned.

    • April 19, 2013 at 4:35 pm

      Ha, thank you. It’s inspiring to know that something I wrote made somebody get up and do something.

  4. May 19, 2014 at 6:52 pm

    What is it about ‘not-for-profit’ that some people interpret as ‘yes-please-give-us-all-your-nasty-shit?’ Your humorous take on this really cracked me up 🙂

    • May 19, 2014 at 8:12 pm

      The donated clothing was usually fine, but otherwise people generally used the service as a way to get rid of things that the garbage men wouldn’t take.

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