Home > Experiments > How To Get Rid Of A Farmer’s Tan

How To Get Rid Of A Farmer’s Tan

I was naked the other day and realized I’ve got a wicked farmer’s tan goin’ on. Today, I am concocting an outfit to allow the whiter areas of my body to catch up with the more leathery. Here is how:

-I will get a turtleneck and cut the neck off of it. Then I’ll cut the arms off just above the elbows. The extracted pieces will be worn on my neck and arms to stop them from getting any darker.

-Acquire some tighty whities to cover my buttocks and genitalia. I can’t risk exposing them to sunlight, too much is at stake.

-Get a pair of pants. Any old kind will do. This will be the same as the turtleneck trick. Cut them off just above the knees, and wear the bottom part to cover the lower portion of my legs, allowing my creamy thighs to attain a deep, lustrous tan. My feet will also be left exposed in order to even out the sock line.

-Go outside, and let el sol take care of the rest.

Categories: Experiments Tags: , , , ,
  1. June 21, 2013 at 3:00 pm

    Why hasn’t that ever made it into a film? Brilliant!

    • June 21, 2013 at 4:34 pm

      I don’t know if I would want to watch that movie, even if I was in it!

      • June 21, 2013 at 4:42 pm

        Ah, that’s where a good director and DOP come in handy!

  2. June 30, 2013 at 11:13 am

    I already have a decent tan (burn) going after working outside yesterday, but I think I’ll wear the outfit just because it’s so damned awesome. Then I will stand outside my neighbors’ house — the ones I don’t like — and drink beer, like I’m friends with them and visiting. It’s going to be a great day. By the way, you should approach Abbercrombe & Fitch with your fashion ensemble.

    • July 1, 2013 at 1:11 pm

      Haha, I’ve been in high-level talks with several designers over the past couple weeks. It will hopefully be ready in time for next year’s spring line.

      • July 1, 2013 at 1:15 pm

        Excellent! It should go over well with the Wal-Mart crowd.

  3. November 17, 2014 at 6:03 am

    Dude, you’re in Minnesota. Farmer’s tans are just part of that curse, like beige churches and Miracle Whip pasta salads. Time to start drinking heavily.

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