Home > Humor > I’ve Got My Meth Lab Up And Running

I’ve Got My Meth Lab Up And Running

Wow. Breaking Bad. What a fantastic show—riveting plot lines, excellent writing, and, most of all, educational. If a middle-aged high school teacher can straddle family life, cancer, and a fledgling career as a meth cook, imagine how high I can fly. Healthy, no kids, and a pretty good idea of how to run an elaborate smack empire thanks to HBO’s The Wire.

Oh, the places I’ll go!

That’s why I started a meth lab right here in my apartment.*(**)

Of course, they never come right out and give an exact recipe on BB. And Googling ‘how to cook meth’ is the mark of a fool. Here’s how I do it: whenever I’m at the grocery store, I head to the cleaning supply aisle, and load up my cart with anything that says ‘toxic,’ ‘avoid contact with skin,’ etc. That’s how you know it’s good. Then you head over to the pharmacy, and get your cough medicines, lubes, protein powders.

I bring all this home, toss it in a pot, and simmer. Yes, it gets noxious. It’s supposed to. I know I’ve got tweaker’s gold when the fumes infiltrate my nostrils, and I pass out, waking up hours, sometime even days later, soaked in urine and sweat.

Then I pour some pineapple juice in for a vitamin C boost, squirt in liberal amounts of model airplane glue to aid coagulation, and presto, meth, or something similar. It will destroy your insides, that’s all you need to know. Come get some.

*Law enforcement officials read: I’m joking.

**Law enforcement officials don’t read: I’m not kidding. Come, buy my meth.

  1. Andrew
    August 18, 2013 at 1:52 pm

    Walter White has nothing on you.

  2. August 18, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Sounds like you could give Jamba Juice a run for its money.

    • August 19, 2013 at 4:38 pm

      I think so, once those ignorant stiffs in Washington pull their heads out of their butts and legalize meth.

      • August 19, 2013 at 5:02 pm

        We should organize a march on The Capitol. Sort of like the Million Man March, except with all toothless people. That should do it.

  3. August 19, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    If Breaking Bad has taught us anything, it’s “Reach for the Stars”.

    For example, in a recent editorial meeting, the question was raised as to “whether we were in the Journalism business or the Money business”? To which our senior editor replied, “We’re in the Empire business”.

    The point is, it’s all well and good to make a little meth in your kitchen. Sure, you’ll make a living and be your own boss, but when your nearing the end, do you want to look back and think wistfully, “If only I had a fleet of mobile, RV-based meth labs, the things I could have done”?

    The consensus in the office is that a gentleman with your documented range of expertise should, nay must, think bigger. A garage or basement-sized lab should be the minimum.

    • August 19, 2013 at 10:00 pm

      You have held up a mirror to my scheme, and I declare, everything you have just said is true.

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