Home > Satire > Police Raid Government Building, Classify It As A “Veritable Cesspool Of Pedophiles”

Police Raid Government Building, Classify It As A “Veritable Cesspool Of Pedophiles”

SOMEWHERE NEAR YOU—A recent police raid uncovered the unthinkable: right here, in a neighborhood near you, maybe even in your backyard, a mass gathering of pedophiles regularly holds congress in a government-funded building. The meetings take place every weekday, excluding federal holidays, and for reasons unknown, a long stretch during the summer months, when only the dullest of the perverts seem to hang around the facility.

“At first, it seemed like your basic public meeting place, you know, rooms with chairs all aimed at a focal point, writing tools, papers,” said an officer who wished to remain anonymous. “Then, we looked at what was on those papers. One, in very poor, pervy handwriting, read ‘Jenny Smith is hot.’ Well, we looked into it, and dug up some info on this Jenny Smith character. Turns out she’s only 14. Upon further investigation, we found a Trapper Keeper that belonged to Jenny—she herself was in possession of a note saying ‘I want to make out with Zack Anderson.’ So then, we ran a background check on Zack Anderson. Turns out he’s only thirteen, and a search of his personal notes hinted that he is attracted to a fifteen year-old. Every one of these sickos we looked into seemed to be in love with someone ranging from twelve to sixteen years old. And the most disturbing part is, none of them put any effort into hiding it. I think I’m going to be sick, excuse me.”

Currently, the investigation has covered approximately a third of the complex. The officer went on: “It appears the money of taxpayers has been used to install a playground, yes a playground, right there outside the building. What government building would require a jungle gym? One that’s trying to attract kids, is what. Well guess what—it also attracted the attention of the police.”

Authorities believe that the playground equipment is part of a bizarre pansexual ritual that is only the beginning of what could be corruption on multiple levels of government.

“This could go as high as city hall,” the officer continued. “Or even higher. I don’t know yet. I just don’t know. Only time will tell how deep and wide the perverse corruption has spread, and God help us all if it has spilled over outside these walls. If these degenerates are willing to behave like this on government property, I can only imagine what they do to each other in the privacy of their homes, or probably their parents’ homes, because people this sick should not be allowed to live on their own.”

As of press time, a bunch of junior high and middle school kids got the day off while police rifled through their stuff.

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  1. November 12, 2013 at 5:00 am

    Brilliant, again

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