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Archive for January 6, 2014

The Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device That Will Save Earth

This person I know recently informed me it wanted to move as far away from Wyoming as it could within the next 10-20 years. The reason? The supervolcano that rests beneath Yellowstone Park.

If that thing blows, the ash blocks out the sun and we all die. Supposedly.

Of course, paranoia causes irrational fears.

We’ll be just fine, I said, because it’s an easy problem to prevent. Behold, the Ash-Sucking Umbrella Device:

Ashsuckingmachine

From the diagram, you can see that the contraption is composed in a tapering pine-tree shape, with big ash-sucking umbrella things on the bottom to catch the initial blast. As you go up, there are smaller vacuums to catch what the bottom ones missed.

The option of another design also arose, which was basically the same shape, only upside down: with the large suckers on top, and smallest on bottom, in order to fit in with the above design like a jigsaw puzzle. However, my mathematics informed me something like that would be far too top heavy, and much more difficult to construct.

Further calculations only bolstered the fact that the big-on-bottom-littler-on-top schematic, utilized in large volume around the caldera of the potential extinction event, would catch enough ash to save the human race.

To cover the middle, we simply send up drones, which I have not yet sketched up, that look like manatee-sized Dustbusters.

Once all the ash has been contained, we then look to our final device, a reverse volcano:

reversevolcano

This serves one purpose, which is to simply dispose of all that ash by shooting it back down where it came from.

Now we can all sit back and actually look forward to when Yellowstone erupts*.

*One side note, even if this somehow doesn’t work, I will have already become rich for inventing all of these devices, so I will end up as some post-apocalyptic prince-tycoon, and be able to live wherever the ‘privileged’ people end up.

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