Home > Cogitation > My Body Has Acheived Homeostasis

My Body Has Acheived Homeostasis

Efficiency. That’s what life is all about. Eliminate unnecessary movements in order to dedicate more time to what really matters. There’s a reason you don’t put a couch in front of the door, because it would take longer to climb over it.

Recently, I efficiency-ized my internal world. My body, that is. And it worked. I don’t know how, but I did it. Had I been more scientific-minded at the outset, I would have recorded everything—diet, exercise, sleep schedule. But none of that matters, because my body is now a harmonious, self-sustaining institution.

Need proof? I haven’t produced bodily waste in over five days. Imagine that. Everything I’ve consumed over nearly a week has been 100% used up. My digestive system is equivalent to a Native American hunter after a buffalo kill. Nothing gets thrown out.

I’ve become a walking lithium-ion battery.

Think about how much time you spend expunging waste from your body. I don’t have that problem anymore. What a reverberating relief! I’m selling my toilet, and never looking back.

Have fun pooping, idiots!

  1. February 3, 2014 at 7:57 pm

    I feel a little stupid now, I’m going to move my couch away from the door.

    • February 3, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Probably so you can go take a crap, sucker!

    • eobonyo
      March 13, 2014 at 6:22 am


  2. February 3, 2014 at 9:33 pm

    I enjoy pooping way too much to give it up. I’m happy for you, though.

    • February 4, 2014 at 4:43 pm

      After the initial fear goes away (generally after about 48 hours), you’ll forget that you even used time out of your day for such nonsense.

      • February 4, 2014 at 4:47 pm

        You’re an inspiration.
        Now I must poop…

  3. February 3, 2014 at 11:46 pm

    congratulations, but I’m still going to continue with the pooping. Otherwise, how would I explain my bathroom breaks at work?

    • February 4, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Start smoking heavily? Smokers get like 20 breaks a day.

      • February 4, 2014 at 5:07 pm

        It won’t work. My company is about to ban all smoking, but going to the bathroom is still ok.

  4. February 4, 2014 at 5:17 am

    If i did that then i’d have nothing to throw at the evangelicals who patrol our street.

  5. February 4, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Oh I’m sure there’s a neighborhood dog you could steal from.

  6. February 6, 2014 at 7:43 am

    That was both funny and disturbing *giggles* but I’m not going to give up the bathroom. It’s too peaceful and fragrant a place of refuge to give up for mere efficiency.

    • February 6, 2014 at 5:57 pm

      Thanks! I don’t know what bathroom you’re using, but the ones I used to use around work were the complete opposite of “peaceful” and “fragrant.”

  7. February 8, 2014 at 7:02 pm

    It’s an interesting barometer of the blogosphere that this post got more than double the comments of the Camus post. Oh, Internet.

    • February 8, 2014 at 9:56 pm

      It could perhaps be due to the universality of bodily functions in the human organism…….not everyone has read Camus. People just enjoy poop, I guess.

  8. February 20, 2014 at 11:39 am

    If losing my poops is what has to happen to be more efficient, I’m never accomplishing anything again.

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