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Predictions For The Outcome Of Harry Potter

I am now deep into Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, book three of seven in the wildly popular series. I’ve stayed sheltered this long, having avoided the bombardment of hype surrounding the final book nearly seven years ago, as well as the film adaptations. I think I’ve got some of it figured out, though. Here are a few of my predictions for how the story arc will play out.

—Harry and Ron become so fed up with Professor Snape that they get him arrested for being a pedophile. How do they do that? I thought I’d never ask. In a genius ironic twist, the two boys use the knowledge they gain from the Potions class that Snape teaches, to concoct a Love Potion. They sneak it into Snape’s lunch, causing him to become hopelessly in love with those surrounding him, i.e., a bunch of young witches and wizards. Now, the magical lifestyle differs from that of Muggles in many ways, but I assume that pedophilia is frowned upon even in wizardry.

—Or maybe pedophilia is accepted in the wizarding world, which is why everyone hates Voldemort and his womanizing.

—Oh yeah, Harry and Ron get the Love Potion on themselves and start dating.

—A larger portion of the next book will be devoted to the Dursleys, where we find that their treatment of Harry is justified. Think about it: I’m not even finished with the third book, and Harry has already broken enough rules to justify expulsion from Hogwarts several times over, including illegal use of magic in the Dursley home. Rules are rules, Harry. Deal with them like the rest of us.

—Hermione is going to kill herself after graduation, when she comes to the realization that a degree in witchcraft is worthless. Her resume, citing arithmancy and transfiguration as her ‘special skills,’ will be used on job search websites as template of how not to get hired.

—I know Dumbledore dies, but not how. My guess is a coprophilia exploration gone wrong.

I can’t wait to find out how close I am on all these.

  1. February 20, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    Being that I haven’t read any of the books or seen the movies, I really wish you had opened this with a “spoiler alert” warning. Thanks a lot.

    • February 20, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      Whoops, sorry! These are of course, just my guesses, but I’m pretty sure they’re all correct.

      • February 20, 2014 at 6:05 pm

        I’m pretty sure you’re right. If not, I’d suggest writing your own interpretive Harry Potter series. I don’t know if I’ll buy it, though, since I’d already know the ending.

        So I guess what I’m really saying is, I’m screwed no matter what.

  2. Andrew
    March 5, 2014 at 8:48 am

    So I’m not alone, there ARE people who haven’t read these. This makes me feel better. I’ll need to start, so I follow along with your predictions.

    • March 5, 2014 at 12:11 pm

      Yeah, I generally get hip to really popular books, shows, and movies about 5-10 years after they come out.

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