Home > Comedy, Correspondence > Resignation Letter, Or, ‘The World’

Resignation Letter, Or, ‘The World’

I just quit my job. Weeks before I knew I was going to quit, I wrote this resignation letter. Then, in the excitement of finally being able to quit, I forgot to bring it with me when I actually did quit. Balls. Not a big deal, though: it was purposely designed to confound, flummox, and bring about the general idea that I was somewhat unstable, thus making my hasty departure a point of concern rather than indignation.

The highfalutin verbiage and esoteric references would have been lost on the audience anyway. I mean, the one guy has had the same handlebar moustache for at least two decades. And last year, he didn’t even tell us when one of our coworkers was murdered by his girlfriend (Sadly, I didn’t make that up. She ran him over with her car. Management said not one word about it, to avoid giving people a day off for the funeral. Again, I can’t stress this enough: I didn’t make that up.).

Having said that, I now realize he would have thrown the letter in the garbage after he read the first line anyways. Here’s what I had:

The World*, or, My Resignation

Dearest Bob:

If you’re reading this, that means I’m already dead.

Or not. Anyhoo. Where to begin. At the beginning, I reckon.

Some 900 odd days ago, under Libra’s balanced gaze, a new cycle began, I playing The Fool. As time shifted I slowly toed my way through the major arcana, in both work and private life, ultimately culminating in this letter, which as you see above, I have entitled ‘The World.’

To come at it from another angle—the Moirai may now weave my tale. Read:

In that September of 2011, Clotho, Spinner of Life, dealt my thread. Her sister, Lachesis, drew her rod and measured it. Now, this night, governed by the fish Pisces, Atropos The Unturning, eldest of the three sisters, must now brandish her abhorred shears, and make her calculated cut.

Main point being, in the Menippean satire that this job, and consequently my life, has become, the ultimate communication of this letter is that I am quitting, if you didn’t get that already.

Now, by this time you may have noticed that I have left this communique with the front office and vanished, while the traditional two weeks of notice have not yet passed. None of us need worry about this. In the vast scope of geological time, after Armageddon has come and gone, whatever form it chooses to take, be it Ragnarok, The Four Horsemen, The Karmatic Wheel coming to a stop, Nuclear Winter—I can assure you that my swift exit from this company will not matter in the least.

At that time, when aliens, remaining humans, cockroaches—whatever is left, really—pick through the rubble where once stood this office/warehouse compound, I can assure you that my failure to give the traditional fourteen days forewarning will not be mentioned, nor will it even be relevant.

As Elton John once sang, we are nothing more than a candle in the wind. Or Kenny Wayne Shepherd: cold on ice, joker on jack, tears on a river, whisper on a scream. It doesn’t mean a thing.

And thus, as mysteriously as I arrived, I now dissipate, into the nether regions of the working world. May dementors eat my soul should we cross paths again.

Love,

Guy that don’t work here no more

*In Tarot readings, The World card can represent a cycle completed.

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  1. March 7, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    Awesome! Thanks for the smile now plastered across my face!

  2. March 7, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    I am currently waiting- on serious freakin’ tenterhooks- a formal job offer that will permit me to submit a letter of resignation I have been waiting a LONG time to submit. But my letter won’t be anywhere near as cool as yours. Congrats on the new beginning!

    • March 8, 2014 at 6:53 pm

      Thanks! It felt VERY good to quit. Not even bothered I forgot to bring this with.

  3. March 7, 2014 at 7:12 pm

    Good thing you quit this job. Sounds like the management wouldn’t have given you a day off even for Armageddon.

    • March 8, 2014 at 6:56 pm

      Yeah, when Lucifer himself shows up there to burn the place down, I can see the manager trying to tell him that fire and brimstone would just cause too many missed days, and to come back some other time.

  4. March 8, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    Perhaps a condensed version could be submitted to Hallmark as a “I Quit” card? If nothing else, consider including it on your next résumé. Reading it, I would definitely hire you.

    • March 8, 2014 at 6:58 pm

      I’m not sure turning in a resume and resignation letter at the same time is such a good idea…..

      • March 8, 2014 at 7:37 pm

        I think it shows definite multitasking skills and someone capable of thinking ahead. Plus it saves paper.

  5. March 12, 2014 at 7:52 am

    Kenny Wayne Shepherd references. Thank you sir for making my day.

  6. Eva
    March 12, 2014 at 10:06 am

    What will you do with your time?

    • March 12, 2014 at 10:52 am

      I took a new job with less hours, so now I can sleep in, read more, and write more.

      • Eva
        March 12, 2014 at 10:59 am

        Good for you. Perhaps a few Bloody Marys in the mornings…

  7. March 12, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Love the references to The Fates.

    ~Darling

  8. March 12, 2014 at 11:55 am

    love it!

  9. March 12, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    If you quit to write comedy pieces, think ya made the right decision.

    If you quit for any other reason, think ya made the right decision.

    Loved this resignation letter. Found myself laughing throughout. After a long day at work this is exactly what I needed. Thanks.

    • March 12, 2014 at 12:39 pm

      Ha, thanks! I quit mostly because the job sucked and everybody there was depressed. Right decision indeed!

  10. March 12, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    Hahaha…can I use this for MY resignation letter?
    …wait, I already have a cover-up “Not leaving because I hate this company what are you talking about” excuse, so I guess I don’t need it.
    But still, brilliant!

    • March 12, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      Thanks! I can’t tell you how great it felt to leave that place, even if I did forget to bring this letter with me.

  11. March 12, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    Glorious Tarot. That was the best resignation letter I have ever read. Congrats!

    • March 12, 2014 at 8:39 pm

      Thanks! Tarot cards are pretty cool stuff.

      • March 13, 2014 at 3:45 am

        I agree, especially the Major Arcana, in my opinion! A great read on the subject if ever you care to–“Tarot and the Journey of the Hero” by Hajo Banzhaf.

  12. lentaylor99
    March 12, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    Brilliant writing and well understood sentiment!

  13. Michelle
    March 12, 2014 at 5:05 pm

    Love. It.
    Looking forward to writing my not-as-prolific but equally as snarky I Quit. Much luck to you, good Sir, much luck.

  14. March 12, 2014 at 9:08 pm

    Ashamed to say that my command of mythology falls short of understanding this letter. Way to tell ’em! Sorry your workplace was so awful. I can just imagine the real-life “Dillboss” who this was intended for. By comparison, my current workplace would be just about perfect – if only they would pay us a living wage. Always a catch 🙂 http://pezcita.wordpress.com/?s=ghostbusters+attacking+me+at+work

    • March 12, 2014 at 11:00 pm

      I’m sure everyone has had ‘that boss’ at some point. Makes you appreciate the good ones.

  15. March 12, 2014 at 9:35 pm

    Reblogged this on Apps Lotus's Blog.

  16. March 12, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    Funny yet gives the right message 😉

  17. March 13, 2014 at 1:06 am

    Loved the way you have put it across………….

  18. March 13, 2014 at 1:52 am

    Reblogged this on privatedrivervip's Blog.

  19. March 13, 2014 at 6:01 am

    Thank you for my morning coffee without the caffeine! That was sublime…

  20. March 13, 2014 at 3:07 pm

    Killer! I love the reverse-condescension in this epistle of departure. Giving management a taste of their own bitter medicine! My plan is to write a resignation letter in the opposite fashion of my intended spirit (I loved working here, great company, compassionate management, etc). It is the ultimate way to tell them “f you” and let them know exactly what you really mean, with no way for them to prove your true intent!

    Eh, but you’re right. They probably wouldn’t care one way or the other. After all, you’re just another warm body to the Firm. Now get back to work, slave!

    • March 13, 2014 at 7:09 pm

      Yeah, hearing stories of how people before me quit that place, I figured the boss has been told to fuck himself so much he wouldn’t even have noticed. Thus this letter was born.

  21. beautifulbipolar1
    March 13, 2014 at 7:33 pm

    First of all are you married? if not do you want to get married? No but really I could not stop laughing once I got past handle bar moustache for at least two decades!!! That is some funny stuff real stuff that happens in life I know I’ve had those jobs myself anyway still laughing good luck at your next job u should try being a comedian

  22. March 14, 2014 at 2:44 am

    Reblogged this on Brainbrizzle's blog.

  23. March 14, 2014 at 4:13 am

    As I read your post and came along with how you describe Bob, I find it funny and laugh by myself. After reading this, it made me look back two years ago about how did I wrote my resignation to my boss. I just wish I could have inserted something that will stuck in his head and I hope that he would understand it too but sensing it, just like what you wrote my former boss would have thrown it in the trash with his face red like a tomato. He is such a close minded one. Anyhoo. I’m glad to have read this again and it makes me rethink to post that letter of mine.

    • March 14, 2014 at 9:58 am

      Yeah, I’m guessing he’ll have forgotten I even worked there within a month or so.

  24. March 14, 2014 at 6:02 am

    Beautiful. You are (rightfully) pissed, yet you manage to rise above it and amuze others by writing about it in an amazingly light and funny manner. Thank you!

    • March 14, 2014 at 10:01 am

      Thanks! It’s really easy to tell someone to go screw themselves, thought I’d take it in a different direction.

  25. March 14, 2014 at 10:36 am

    I wished I know you before I tendered. You’d have wrote an awesome resignation letter for me 😛

  26. March 14, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    hilarious.

  27. March 14, 2014 at 3:40 pm

    I love it! It feels so good to quit!

  28. March 15, 2014 at 12:28 pm

    I’ll bet they’re sorry now, what with your resignation letter making you a WordPress star and all. Congratulations on being free of the shackles and on the FP. 🙂

    • March 17, 2014 at 10:37 am

      Thank you, thank you. It’s been great, soaking up the internet fame and thinking about how I don’t work there anymore!

      • March 17, 2014 at 10:59 am

        I quit, albeit with much less panache and style, a few months ago. It’s been fun getting emails from former colleagues — one offered me a billion dollars to come back (but the fine print read that he didn’t actually *have* a billion dollars). It’s almost as good as internet fame. Almost.

  29. aqsaahmad25
    March 16, 2014 at 12:23 am

    Haha, you’re so funny. I really liked all of the literary references. Keep on blogging my friend.

  30. March 18, 2014 at 10:42 pm

    Sad that you didn’t get to give this letter to your employer. I can just imagine him quizzically reading it, not understanding a morsel of your eloquent writing. At least we get to enjoy it!

    -Awkward Girl
    (www.therealawkwardgirl.wordpress.com)

  31. March 19, 2014 at 1:00 am

    I am not happy with my job but i am hesitant to quit considering the percentage of unemployed people these days. My parents always remind me that i am lucky to have a job. I have been working since after i graduated college but never found a job that i actually enjoy. It has become a routine and a necessity but never satisfactory. My passion is art but my parents will be greatly disappointed. I am seriously considering getting a part-time job instead of full time so i can paint. Such a dilemma. But your resignation letter is the coolest!

    • March 19, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      Oh yeah. I made sure I had another job before I quit. Went from 50+ hours a week to around 35. Feels good to have all that free time back.

  32. March 20, 2014 at 8:58 am

    When I walked out 11 months ago from a job that I was at for over 10 years, I felt peace, freedom and excitement that was beyond anything I’ve ever known. I start a better job next week. Congrats!

  33. March 21, 2014 at 7:08 pm

    I’ve written a number of resignation letters, but I’m self-employed, which means I’ve had to reject them myself. Terribly complicated.

  34. March 25, 2014 at 1:07 pm

    This is the best thing I have read today. Congrats on quitting!

  35. incaunipocrit
    March 30, 2014 at 10:09 pm

    Reblogged this on The International Blogspaper.

  36. April 26, 2014 at 7:14 pm

    Reblogged this on Kerlegand's Life & Style.

  1. March 12, 2014 at 10:03 am
  2. March 17, 2014 at 12:22 pm

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