Home > Comedy > How I Almost Became A Pill Smurf

How I Almost Became A Pill Smurf

As was recently discussed, I quit my job, and got a different one. I can’t describe how joyous this was. Yes, the robotic management was one reason, but also, this: I almost became a pill smurf*. I was on the verge of throwing out my back, running in front of a forklift, or starting a fight with an immigrant, all on purpose, for profit.


Reason number one was to get time off work.

Reason # two(2)—>When many of your coworkers are addicted to a spread of pharm productions—uppers, downers, screamers, laughers—is there a better way to make extra money, a LOT of extra money, while dealing with the trivialities of something so minor as vertebral subluxation, forklift tire-marks on your flattened leg, or a shattered eye socket from a staged fight with good ol’ Magdaleno (Mags, for short)?

A skullet.

Answer: there is no better way. These guys are paying top dollar per ‘milly’ (milligram) for all the big names in painkilling. Let’s say I plant the warehouse manager’s skullet-comb in Magdaleno’s car and tell him he’s going to be fired for stealing. So he punches my lights out in front of the coffee machine. My face hurts. I go to the doctor. I score a Vicodin prescription. When the doctor gives me that slip of paper, he might as well be dropping a bar of gold in my lap.

That bottle of pills would have been a winning Powerball ticket in there. A month or two ago, a guy broke his leg. If he’s willing to deal with the fractured femur drug-free, and manages the sudden influx of cash responsibly, he might never have to go back to work.

If only I had the balls to do something hardcore like that, I could have auctioned those V pills off, and they would have sold like toilet paper at a butt party. Butt (pun) I didn’t. I stayed healthy, like a sucker.

Well, I’ve been screwed again, this time by my own conscience.

*I heard Jesse Pinkman say he had ‘smurfs’ buying Sudafed for him in Breaking Bad. I don’t even know if the term applies to what I’m talking about here. 

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  1. March 17, 2014 at 2:52 pm

    Damn, dude! That’s yet another amazing similarity betwixt us (er, I mean, working in the industrial trades). Yeah, pharmaceutical addiction is the dirty little secret in blue collar America, and is it any wonder why? They work you till your back throws, and/or your shoulders and/or knees give out. And then they’ll throw you to the curb like the broken equipment that they consider you to be!

    Truth is, the American laborer eats pills so they can pay their bills (unlike American management, who eats ’em for shits n’ giggles right before they make all the slaves pee in a bottle)!

    Final note: yes, I guess the thought has crossed my mind too, bro! But I am, unfortunately, as big a sucker as you, apparently. I take the hard way every time (damn conscience)! I also have way too many bros who cashed in on the OSHA lottery, and I can duly attest, they all lived to regret it!

    • March 17, 2014 at 5:42 pm

      I know there are a lot of people who do need the pills, but the people I’m talking about here are mostly 20-somethings with no history of injury……

      • March 17, 2014 at 5:43 pm

        O yeah! Got plenty of those in my corner of the universe, too! Many of these will steal ya blind, unfortunately…

  2. March 17, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    A skullet!? Never had I thought such a thing possible. If I got that turbo-charged mullet I could, quite literally, rule all of western Sydney as King!

    • March 17, 2014 at 5:43 pm

      Ha! Until I worked there, I did not know such a thing existed either….it was breathtaking the first time I witnessed it!

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