Home > Cogitation > Here’s What I Learned From My Centaur Research

Here’s What I Learned From My Centaur Research

I was watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix this past weekend. As a herd of centaurs galloped across the screen, my gaze wandered down. The junction of horse and human occurs just above where the groin of the man would be and fuses into the area near the horse-half’s front shoulders.

I got confused. Where are the genitals on these things? Roving scientific interest—my desktop wallpaper is definitely not a picture of a centaur—anymore—filled a time slot I had open on Saturday afternoon. Do the mythical beast’s reproductive organs rest where they would on the anatomy of the human, or near the back, like a horse?

I had to take into account that the film is PG-13, so there was a chance that if any private areas were in fact located near the front, the filmmakers might have opted not to bump up to an R, or even NC-17 rating by having the turgid penis of a made-up animal flopping around on the big screen, thereby outlawing a sizeable chunk of the ticket-buying demographic from gaining access to theaters.

I took it to Googolplex. This website, authored by a German doctor, is the centaur equivalent of Gray’s Anatomy, and even brought up another interesting point—how does the spinal system work, being that the bodily fusion creates a 90-degree angle? I couldn’t be bothered with that, though—it wasn’t what I came for, and I feared I would be sucked further into an already dubious rabbit hole.

Then this came up:

Not only did I find the genitals, it looks as though we’ve been using the wrong phrase all this time—horses are hung like centaurs. This interpretation may prove unreliable, though. The issue of the spinal cord, for instance—it appears to curve into the lung cavity, and disappear, which would render the entire back half of this man-horse paralyzed. There may be better drawings out there, but please understand that while I do have the time to find a better one, I don’t want to. Googling centaur penis has more than likely already landed me on a ‘person of interest’ list somewhere, and next time I move I’m going to have to go around and tell all my new neighbors ‘hey, could you sign this thing saying that I told you I’m a pervert, blah blah blah, it’s just a formality, yada yada, I’ve changed my ways, bing bang boom.’

So I’ll just believe what this drawing says.

  1. March 25, 2014 at 9:09 am

    I would imagine – spinal wise, that is – that the human portion of course would have to have it sown spine, and the horse part have its own spine. But what would be the hips of the human portion would have to be some form of hip/shoulder hybrid that the spine would attach to, and essentially the centaur would have two spines.
    What always got me, was the organs. Do they have two sets? is one of the “bodies” hollow of organs?
    Though this diagram answers that. I like that the heart and lungs are extra large, making up for the largeness of the beast.
    I wonder what the digestion of it would be. Would it take longer to digest since the food has to go so far?
    Being a Sagittarian, I have a fondness for centaurs 😉

    • March 25, 2014 at 10:40 am

      Hopefully the day will arrive when we can find the answers to these questions….

  2. March 25, 2014 at 10:57 am

    Looks legit

    • March 25, 2014 at 7:28 pm

      I guess you can’t really be right or wrong when you’re talking about the anatomy of something that doesn’t exist…

  3. March 25, 2014 at 11:16 am

    I think that googling “centaur penis” will probably just lead to ads like “Meet hot centaur singles in your area!”.

    • March 25, 2014 at 7:30 pm

      Ha! True. That would be better than the—well, never mind what ads show up now, but it would be better.

  4. March 25, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    This just makes sense, and I think NeuronTree above has something with his shoulder/pelvis hybrid theory. I wonder if A-Rod pondered this “where-would-my-schlong-be?” conundrum when they famously painted him portrayed as a centaur?

    • March 25, 2014 at 7:32 pm

      I think instead of using my time to research any further, I’ll just wait for the inevitable “Centaur Autopsy” that will probably be on Fox or Spike TV sometime in the near future.

  5. March 25, 2014 at 8:37 pm

    Interesting. Never could have understood their anatomy if not for this.

    • March 25, 2014 at 9:36 pm

      I wouldn’t use anything you find on this blog as a ‘scientific resource,’ per se, but I’m glad to have helped!

  6. Eva
    March 25, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    I appreciate the above picture. I’ll refer to this when I have questions about centaur wee-wees.

    • March 25, 2014 at 9:38 pm

      Hopefully you don’t have to refer to it very often….

      • Eva
        March 26, 2014 at 8:21 am

        That’s my hope as well.

  7. Uncle Tom
    March 25, 2014 at 9:45 pm

    And what are his mating options? Are there female Centaurettes? Can’t imagine too many women that would be ok with THAT. She’d be ruin’t for life. He could always go to Tijuana.

  8. Andrew
    March 26, 2014 at 6:21 pm

    Thank you for taking one for the team. You most definitely are on a government list at this point, but it had to be done.I remember reading Lion the Witch, and the Wardrobe in school, I know we all wondered about Mr. Tumnus. (Technically half goat, but I think that counts).

    • March 26, 2014 at 10:12 pm

      Well great, now I’m curious about goat penis. Dammit.

      • Andrew
        March 29, 2014 at 5:55 pm

        That’s the way of the world for you.

  9. April 1, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    Due to anatomy, if a Centaur were to practice bestiality, it would find it easier to mate with an equine than a human.

    • April 1, 2014 at 11:12 pm

      Hmmm, that may be a topic for another post….is it bestiality if a centaur has sex with a horse or a person, or does it have to be another centaur?

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