Archive for June 25, 2014

The Decline of Walmart

A Walmart near my home recently moved to a new location in the next town over.

In the world of corporate warfare, a lateral move is an odd tactic for a sprawling empire. The retail giant has never shied away from cramming as much Walmart into the world as it can. Why go to the trouble of moving a store from one town, when it would be easier and more profitable to leave the original location, and simply open another?

For example, everyone that shops at Walmart is morbidly obese, and has anywhere from five to seven children, no older than age four. The sheer logistics of transporting the raw tonnage of just one Walmart-supporting familial unit across town and into the store is mind boggling, especially when the family knows they will be competing for items to cough on and space to sweat with hundreds of other identical individuals. It has to be difficult. Just imagine for a second. Now add five miles to the drive. If you listen closely, you can hear the ball bearings on all those 1995 Dodge Caravans quivering in terror.

Why risk discouraging these honest, blue collar, XXXL sweatshort-wearing folks from travelling to the new location by adding extra distance to their trip?

Think about it. Money, a commodity of which Walmart has an unlimited supply, would normally solve any problems the company has with legal issues, labor disputes, real estate, and of course, constructing as many Walmart stores as possible.

So, what possible problem exists that won’t go away when money is offered as the solution?

The only explanation for the relocation is this—the site is haunted. Multitudes of ghosts, uninsured and very very poor because they worked at Walmart while among the living, have taken up residence in the store. These former employee ghosts scare the children. When children get scared, they urinate and defecate everywhere. When there is liquid waste and scat everywhere, even the regulars become alarmed and the area is declared a biohazard. Not even Walmart’s fat cash stack can sop up that much bodily fluid.

Add to that the fact that no amount of money will get those ghosts to leave, because they are ghosts, and they don’t want or need money.

This is only the beginning. Look for a rising number of Walmart stores to change locale in the near future as they slowly become overrun by ethereal beings who lack the means to cure a simple cough. All the confusion and jostling around will eventually frustrate the customer base enough to give up on the beloved brand entirely, and give rise to a new dynasty waiting in the wings, a company not infiltrated by a mass paranormal invasion.

It’s all right here in this graph:walmartgraph






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