Home > Fitness > A New Workout Craze

A New Workout Craze

Latest moneymaking scheme:

Create an infomercial, to be aired late at night. The product: a workout system for alcoholics.

The alcoholics then order the system while they are schnockered, with no recollection of having done so. The purchase will be reflected on their bank statements as ‘Alcohol Store.’

Eight to ten business days later: the alcoholic receives a package in the mail, informing them they have won a free prize—a hot, chiseled body.

The alcoholic, in its drunken state, will be horny, and want to possess a hot, chiseled body, so that it will attract people that like hot, chiseled bodies.

The package contains several videos, none of which name my company.

The first video instructs the alcoholic to hit pause, and get black-out drunk, then proceed with the program—a ploy that will work perfectly, because alcoholics, by their very nature, love to get black-out-drunk.

Once the alcoholic is black-out drunk, the video descends into a parade of nothing, basically—footage of cats playing with yarn, black and white photos of weddings that occurred in the 1930s, spliced with actual workout scenes, in the event that the alcoholic experiences a moment of coherence.

The VHS tapes will be engineered to unspool after 30 minutes of viewing. The DVDs also have a built-in destruction mechanism: they look like coasters. After repeated poundings from Steel Reserve tall boys, those discs will be useless within the week. The tapes and discs are thrown away and soon forgotten.

Since they are under the impression that the videos were a free prize, and the only record of any purchases are attributed to the ‘Alcohol Store,’ as the infomercials continue to air, money continues to flow down from the alcoholic to me, in a textbook case of the trickle-down economy in action. And it’s good for the alcoholic: the more times they purchase my system, the less money they will have to abuse alcohol.

Advertisements
  1. July 30, 2014 at 4:13 am

    This is genius!. After all, it’s the American Way to exploit the weaknesses, superstitions, and unrealistic dreams of the dumb masses for a quick buck. Then run like hell long before they’ve figured you out!

    • July 30, 2014 at 7:17 pm

      I figured I could just buy up time on the local channels, circle around the country collecting my money from region to region, then repeat the cycle. It would be un-American if I didn’t.

  2. July 30, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Interesting plan. Good luck with that.

    • July 30, 2014 at 7:34 pm

      It’s crude, yes. But every fledgling company has kinks to work out in the beginning.

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Rochelle Wisoff-Fields-Addicted to Purple

Growing older is inevitable. Growing up is optional.

createdbyrcw

Seer of the invisible, scribe of the unwritten

Regie's Blog

The pen is mightier than the sword ...unless someone is trying to stab you with a sword. Then, it's the sword ...definitely the sword.

Idiot Joy Showland

This is why I hate intellectuals

Cooking without Limits

Food Photography & Recipes

Dalton's Magazine

Spanning the world with pieces of think

ROAMIN' GNOMIALS

Empowered by guys in short pants to write whatever I want, whenever I want, for no money whatsoever.

Highest Form of Whit

Bigger. Bolder. Bloggier.*

Suzie Speaks

The Adventures Of a Thirty-Something Life

Duh'Merica

.....teasing the stunted masses with my opposable thumbs....

The Brown Road Chronicles

Stories about country living, old houses, dirt roads, fresh air and other amusing (and possibly even inspirational) anecdotes!

I Miss You When I Blink

and other classics

a comedian's notebook

taking comedy seriously, but not too seriously

Still Skeptical After All These Years

Jim Wheeler - Rational Skeptic

The Shameful Sheep

shit storms, shame, and stories that make you cringe

pen pals on pills

there are no meds for crippling separation anxiety

upside ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ sideways

embrace life :: explore design :: live simply :: laugh loud

%d bloggers like this: