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Archive for August 1, 2014

Hairy-Assed Baby Born

NEW ULM, MN—Last week, in the birthing unit of the New Ulm Medical Center, a baby was born with a very hairy ass, upsetting a tried and true cliché that the rectal regions of infants are the smoothest and softest surfaces known to man.

There was so much hair on the baby’s ass, nobody even bothered to check if it was male or female.

“There was so much, I, I, hold on, let me gather myself,” said the delivering doctor. “It looked like the anus of the baby had vomited up Bob Marley’s head. Excuse me,” he blurted out as he presumably ran to a sanctuary free of hirsute-buttholed newborns.

The flocculent anus of the baby is most unsettling to those who frequently lean on the phrase ‘smooth as a baby’s bottom.’ The isolated incident sent shockwaves through unimaginative people young and old alike, who now fear that they will have to wait for another smooth object to become accepted as a universal standard.

“This is one very big black sheep that no one saw coming,” said a professor of linguistics who happened to be hanging out at the hospital. “Which ironically is what that baby’s rear end looks like. A sheep.”

hair

Artist’s rendering of the rectum in question

“Now when my husband shaves, what am I supposed to compare his face to? Sure as shit not a baby’s ass, thanks to that freak,” said one woman.

Another bystander was baffled as well. “I know it’s just one baby. But now, if I use ‘smoother than a baby’s butt,’ I can already see some semantic-minded jackass saying ‘not if it was that one baby with the hairy ass.’ This kid has ruined everything. I support abortion now.”

“So now what am I supposed to say? ‘That’s as smooth as a stone that has sat undisturbed in a gentle stream for hundreds of years?’ Fat chance. I say throw the thing off a cliff,” said the nurse.

The firestorm is expected to die down in a matter of weeks, when more and more people will discover that a watched pot always boils, so long as it is placed atop a sufficient heat source.

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