Hi.

I have been gone for some time. I am back.

Where was I?

Kind of a long story, I suppose. ***SPOILER ALERT—even though everything that follows is completely true, it very closely parallels, and at some points is the exact same as, the ending plotline from the hit television show Breaking Bad. So here’s the gist of it.

As he became increasingly psychotic and morally bankrupt, I had no choice but to turn on my meth cooking partner. I’m dumb, and he’s smart, so naturally some things went very wrong. I was captured in the New Mexican desert by a gang of neo-Nazis who tortured me and forced me to make drugs for them in a secure compound from which there was no escape. I was, however, able to replace the active ingredient in meth with an industrial grade laxative. The only thing that kept me going all those months was the solace that tweekers the Southwest over were experiencing historic bouts of bowl-vacating pestilence.

Then I escaped and came back here, where I now sit and type.