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Archive for June 24, 2015

Queen Elizabeth, Take Down These Flags!

What does this look like to you?

The Scottish Flag, aka the Confederate Flag of the United Kingdom

Add stars, change the color, and you’re looking at a Confederate Flag. These things are flying all over Scotland—the Deep South of the United Kingdom—above whiskey drinking, tartan-pattern-clad-inbred-half-human-sheep in foggy front yards full of tractors on concrete blocks next to doorless refrigerators and weight benches outside of shacks constructed from pillaged castle stones and petrified loch-beast droppings.

Until these icons of hatred are torn down, I propose a boycott of all things Scottish. During the coming days, weeks, maybe even months or years, let us all abstain from eating haggis, wearing kilts, and pumping on our bagpipes. I don’t want to have to put myself through this, Scotland, but I will.

Until your queen issues a decree forcing the removal of these flags, Scotland is dead to America. Remember when we didn’t hesitate to call French fries “Freedom fries,” and French toast “Freedom toast?” France’s attitude got a nice little tune-up after that.

Actually, by that logic we don’t have to give up anything Scottish, just rename it. Haggis is now Patriot Guts, kilts will be known as Freedom Man-Skirts, and bagpipes will be used to play the Windsong of America!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!

The ball is in your court, Scotland. Don’t make us have to wear Freedom Man-Skirts. You can be the change.

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