Home > Film > The Left-Wing/Liberal Review of the Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World

The Left-Wing/Liberal Review of the Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World

The left-wing liberal is sitting in a coffee shop, skimming over an article titled “The Right-Wing/Conservative/Tea Party Review of Jurassic World.”

How did it come to this? Why would someone read, on purpose, an article he knows will anger him?

The left-wing liberal is a tough creature to understand. Currently, he is on what is called a Comcast Cleanse, which means that he is boycotting the large corporation, because large corporations are evil. So, unable to access the internet in his suburban home, he grabs his iPad, hops into his Honda, which gets over 35mpg, and drives to the nearest Starbucks to use their Wi-Fi before he goes to his job at Target.

He starts by expressing his outrage over Cecil the lion on Facebook for the seventh straight day, oblivious to the fact that, as a carnivore, he himself has contributed to the slaughter of countless chickens, cows, and pigs right here in America. To be fair, though, the animals he eats are labeled ‘organic’ and don’t live in a factory, which makes killing them okay. And besides, he sometimes partakes in Meatless Mondays, so he’s basically a vegetarian.

Anyways, as he skims through the ‘Jurassic World’ article, he thinks how great it is that more and more children’s sports leagues don’t keep score and everyone gets a trophy, because that is how real life works.

“Ha! Doesn’t this guy realize that Islam and Christianity are actually very similar? I’m not sure how, exactly, but Brian said it on Family Guy one time.”

He temporarily diverts himself away from the article to visit a charitable website for pregnant inner city transgender hermaphrodite teenage kids that can’t afford to live inside of buildings. Just as he is about to click the ‘donate’ button, which would transfer five dollars from his bank account into that of the charity, he wanders up to the counter to purchase another coffee. By the time he is back at his iPad, the session has timed out, and he isn’t about to reenter all his information. He was close, though.

He decides to do something about this right-wing Jurassic World article. He copies the URL, and posts the link in his Facebook timeline with the header “Check out this paranoid conservative idiot,” an act which will somehow bring us all closer to peace and harmony.

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  1. August 5, 2015 at 10:30 am

    I’m holding my sides right now. Thanks for this. This was great.

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