A Modest Proposal: In Which I Moderate A Presidential Debate With Myself

Michael Cedarwood: Good evening, Michael. Now tell us why you would be a good president.

Michael Cedarwood: First off, Michael, I would love to express my love for America. Hold for applause. And the constitution. Hold for more applause.

Michael Cedarwood: You don’t have to say ‘hold for applause.’ If I want to clap, I will do so whenever I want.

Michael Cedarwood: Okay, let’s get star—-[loud clapping noises erupt]

Michael Cedarwood: See?

Michael Cedarwood: Touche.

Michael Cedarwood: Now tell us how you would fix America.

Michael Cedarwood: My solution to set America straight is a modest proposal, much like A Modest Proposal For Preventing the Children of Poor People in Ireland from Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and for Making Them Beneficial to the Publick, by Jonathan Swift. 

Michael Cedarwood: So you are saying the poor should sell their babies as food to the rich.

Michael Cedarwood: No. Swift wrote that in 1729. In today’s world, even the middle class could afford a meal of impoverished baby.

Michael Cedarwood: My goodness, that is true. I could go for some baby, I guess. It’s probably very, very tender.

Michael Cedarwood: I think you and I are hovering right around the poverty line. That means we would be the ones selling the babies, not feasting on them.

Michael Cedarwood: Well, the main focus of my campaign just shifted to make impoverished babies affordable for all.

Michael Cedarwood: Are you flip-flopping?

Michael Cedarwood: If saying that I think all people should be able to purchase a baby and then eat it is flip-flopping, then yes, I am flip-flopping.

Michael Cedarwood: Would the babies all be the same price? Maybe the less-fresh ones could be sold at say, Aldi, for dirt cheap, while the more desirable infants could be purchased at Kowalski’s.

Michael Cedarwood: I don’t see why not. And don’t forget Trader Joe’s. But they’d probably coat them in flaxseed or stuff ’em full of pomegranate or something weird like that.

Michael Cedarwood: This time of year, it would be pumpkin spice.

Michael Cedarwood: Totally. The baby could go right inside the pumpkin. Absorb the flavor.

Michael Cedarwood: Now that would be something else.

Michael Cedarwood: Sure would.

Michael Cedarwood: What were we talking about?

Michael Cedarwood: I don’t know.